Tag: #sadness

Bloodied Rust

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Don’t chase after your nightmares; they might chase after you.

I chased the wrong kind of dreams, and now they’re chasing me. 

I can’t stop them; they’re inflicting irreversible pain unto me.

They have come for me and I know it.

Their claw marks burn and their bites make me ache.

I drown the dying screams with synthetic happiness. 

It’s stitched with fake love and patched with false hope.

The nightmare breeders tear the stitches apart and swallow the patches whole.

Tears can’t cleanse the bloodied rust from the walls. 

Don’t be like me.

Chase your dreams, not your nightmares.

Or else your nightmares will chase you.

Hope must exist somewhere.

Why?

Because I’m still living.

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Break

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Straight sacred lines turn into cracks in due time.

All the  cracks will crawl straight to me.

They spread as roots from a tree spread into the soil.

Everything the cracks impose is unavoidable.

Going beyond; the cracks betray the line in the sand.

What was once sacred is nothing now.

Washed away from the massive gusts of rain and dust.

This cycle will never change.

The lines can never be filled; the breaks will never be repaired.

The worst has yet to come and I am not prepared.

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Let Me Out

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I’m stuck. Not just simply stuck.

How did I get this way?

I’m –> Struggling-Tattered-Unbearably-Clutching onto-Kindness

What else can I do? What else should I do?

I’m trapped within myself, trapped within you, trapped within them.

Don’t pity me, I don’t pity me. Can you help me?

Tied, caged, coraled, glued, pasted, chained, gated, drowning….

What does it feel like to feel free?

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NoOne NoOne

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Heart as black as the midnight sky.

I have forgotten who I am in the midst of death.

I’ve lost my soul to the false angels and hid within the lair of the demons.

I don’t want to remember what I was meant to embrace.

I let my thoughts sink into the blackness of night.

It’s just me here now, everyone else has died.

No one is here. No one will ever be here.

It’s just me here, no one else.

Forever and always.

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The Story of the Bird Under the Shade

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The story of the bird under the shade goes something like this:

The bird under the shade exists for a reason, but the bird knows not that reason.

He stays underneath the tree where the cool shade resides. 

Safe from all harm, protected from the weather, a perfect spot for safety and comfort.

He kept the shade all to himself and rarely shared it with anyone else, fearing others would steal his shade. He never wanted to leave the shade for he feared that he would risk his own life. 

So he kept himself sheltered from anything that could ever go wrong.

When he welcomed other birds to accompany him in his shade, they would only stay for a short while. The ones who continued to be companions with the bird would often come and go.

The new birds who came into his life showed him there was more beyond this one tree. Warm sunlight, gentle breeze, sweet sights, enticing smells, new adventures. 

As intriguing and enticing all of it seemed… things did seem to get stale underneath the shade; nonetheless he wished to stay under the shade.

One bird came along who cared for the bird in the shade. Both birds cared for one another greatly and wanted to go do great things. The new bird tried to show him all of the great things beyond the tree he stayed under. 

But unfortunately, it didn’t matter if there was anything better out there for him and he pushed the bird who cared so much for him away. 

The bird who cared for the bird under the tree felt unhappy and knew it was time to go. He made it clear that he lived a life in fear, and couldn’t let it go.

The caring bird, heartbroken, flew off into the distance. She perched herself on a branch, brushed off her wings, and flew high into the sky, seeking new adventures and the happiness that follows.  

The bird under the shadow still remains under his tree. Regardless of if he moves to different trees or not is all up to him. Even if he does try to move beyond the tree, he will always stay under the shade he keeps with him. And with the shade, comes a lack of understanding the purpose that this bird holds within its feathers.

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Dream Journal: Suicide or Escape

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This is the third time that I have had this dream now, and this time I can fully recall all of the details of this dream. Within the span of about 3-4 months I have had this same exact dream, with the exception of certain aspects of the dream emphasized per dream occurrence. Everything about this dream felt so trippy and unreal, and yet at the same time crystal clear. I must have been in some sort of trance in the dream, if that’s even possible.

Here are a couple interesting things about this dream: Three places were heavily focused on in the dream (which I will describe shortly), but why 3 specific places? Also, a few of the same people from work have showed up in this dream just like how they have before. For example, Ty has shown up in not just one dream, but in several dreams such as the Pyramid Dream and Vulnerabilities and Tattoos Dream.

On with the dream! I found myself in my hometown, specifically at my parents house. Ty and another coworker was patrolling the neighborhood which, oddly he did so for my safety. It was late and the only thing that illuminated the streets were the orange glow of street lamps and a couple lights that were on in front of my parent’s house. It also was made apparent that there was a random Target down the street. LITERALLY in the middle of the street too. Ty came by on my street specifically and my parents and I waved hello. He stopped by to see if everything was okay and if we needed anything. My mom harshly stopped Ty in his tracks to complain about the poor treatment of raccoons and other animals that lived our neighborhood. Ty pulled me aside and in almost a whisper, asked me what that was about. I had absolutely no idea! My mom then chimed in and said a very snarky, nasty comment about work that I could not hear, but made apparent to Ty that I did something I wasn’t supposed to, which I wasn’t sure what I did, in fact. The lights of the house and the street lamps began to move and change color. I overheard another co-worker coming and then something about my job possibly being on the line.

My head was a major mess. I kept thinking about work, home, school, family life, and past trauma and problems that suddenly were brought forward by this statement. I wanted to run, I wanted to hide, I wanted to be out of the spotlight, alone. I felt the eyes of my parents on me and a few others as other people could be heard in the distance. I bodly said to Ty that I wished to die, I wished for suicide. I began to cry and I ran off where others could not see me. I could magically manifest wings that could help me fly into the trees or bushes to hide as well as to fly off to places where I could be seen. I could hear Ty and others scrambling around as I would take off from hiding spot to hiding spot in the middle of the night. I cried what felt like for an eternity fleeing down the road past my old high school and making a left upon this path which was partially covered by a rainforest. I went through the tunnel of trees that led to the most beautiful place I have ever seen. A massive waterfall took half of my view from the left side and the right side had a row of Tikis, statues, and precious stones. a path weaved between the trees and past the row of hills. I felt magic all around me, orbs and magical beings surrounded me. Some of them wore tribal paint and wooden masks while others just like everyday people like you or me. The wildlife resembled dragon-like beings, maybe even faeries, I couldn’t keep track of them all. I just knew that they knew me and I knew them. I was given the task to straighten around some of the tikis and precious stones not just on the hills, but on the platforms that sat in front of the waterfall which I had to use some sort of telekinetic abilities to move things around. When everything was perfectly aligned, with one thump on one of the many objects let off an echo of a thousand notes. I myself and all of the beings sung and it was so beautiful. I began to ascend the mountain tops in front of me when my dad appeared.

Everything around me hid and I had to go back from where I came. I was in front of the highschool and my dad directed part of the path to be covered in cement. I felt angered by this, but realized I knew how to get in there regardless of the cement. I was gifted, I thought. Suddenly, a weird being came by and caught my dad off guard, forcing him to leave me and tend to something else. I look up the hill that sits right at the high school and envision a massive pileup created by a number of clueless high school students. It happened right in front of my eyes before I could stop it. Bodies landed on top of one another and got stuck between car parts. There was screams as blood and gore was shed, but that soon disappeared into dust which then manifested itself into the form of ghosts that began to enter an odd shaped building within the gym. A haunted building for that matter, I just knew it was. Not just haunted, but there was malevolent energy in that dammed square shaped building. I knew that I had to go back and take care of something around my parent’s neighborhood.

I appeared back into the neighborhood and saw that people scrambled around in the streets looking for me. Ty yelled out for me and apologized for what he had said and that my job was safe. Another coworker confirmed that as well, and they both said they needed to know that I was going to be okay. Ty wanted me to come back with him so he could keep me safe. They begged and pleaded for me to come back over and over again. I didn’t care and thought to myself that this was something I needed to do. I soon headed north from my old neighborhood and went deep into a wooded bridge covered in snow. I could her Ty and my coworkers yelling “Wait!” and “Alex! Come back!”. I knew that they would eventually find my path and follow me. I felt comfortable knowing what I was doing despite the cold. In a vision I could see a line of zombies walking down a path going the opposite direction of the highschool. The got up from the ground and went towards a dysmal place where as I got closer to the light.

So… uh… strange dream, right?

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Letter to Dearest: Epilogue (Grande Finale)

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To my dearest,

This will be my final entry to you; this is the end of all endings. 

My chest burns fucking raw from the absolute zero frost inside my heart.

I endlessly curse the skies and damn the grounds from which I stand upon.

I must know!!! Tell me now… tell me this; why does evil exist?

Apathy, carelessness, selfishness, negligence?

An eternal rage that burns even the most innocent of souls. 

Are you feeling pure joy now?

How can this be oh dearest?

Why must the most unconditionally loving souls disintegrate into nothingness?

The innocents suffer and die while the malevolent entities dance and sing. 

I have caught many in their ruthless acts of violence and abuse. 

I’ve even picked up on the smallest wifs of negligence and abandonment.

I condemn the demented souls that walk upon this earth.

I have never wished harm or suffering to be put upon these things…

Except for now… god damn them!

I wish for the forces of god to come and strike down the ones made of filth and lies.

Eradicate the pure evil that walks upon this earth.

Banish the spirits of the damned that roam within these planes of existence.

Rid the souls of light from the abominations that suck us all dry.

Allow the ones who learn from their mistakes a chance to evolve and learn.

I don’t need this, you don’t need this, we don’t need this! 

I’ve lost my fucking mind!!

When will this fucking madness end???

I’m ending this fucking disasterpiece!

THIS ENDS TODAY.

END!

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Confession #5: Fear of Death Complex

23df25064d0585f9129d3b5a86d11f05 “Let me start off by saying that I do not fear PHYSICAL death; the flatline, the last breath, the last heartbeat, the last moment of life only to be ended so suddenly like the flame from a candle blown out. I must emphasize that I don’t fear dying as well. 

What impacts this is my own personal truths about the aspect of physical death. I must note that horror has never really made a difference with the fear of life or death in my eyes, surprisingly. I’ve never been one of religion, really. I am know my stuff when it comes to religion and belief systems, and I’m very open-minded. I’m spiritual and open minded, not religious. However, I will NOT do anything to shove my own beliefs into one’s throat just because it might differ from my own. That’s pure ignorance. Do I believe in God? Yes, I do. But I am also a believer of things such as Reincarnation, Awakening and Ascension, Angels and Ascended Masters, having a divine life purpose, Universal Consciousness, LOA (Law of Attraction), Karma, and lastly, everything happens for a reason. I also believe that there is malevolent energy out there… parasites, voids of energy that take on our own fears, and just plain negative energy. 

What I fear is the darkness the outward manifestations that surrounds the concept of death. Whether it be physical, emotional, psychological, or spiritual, there are some factors about it that scare me so. I cannot explain why, but sometimes the darkness from death manifests itself outwardly.

For example, there have been times in my life where I can smell this ungodly stench b5693754f9477e28acab5720b23b71a4--cousins-tattoo-ideaswhenever someone has passed away, be it a loved one or someone close. Sometimes it smells like moist, sticky, foul, rotting soil beneath the undergrowth of trees or greenery from above. I have never been to a cemetery, nor a funeral home, nor any place that has involved death. The times that I have smelled this foul odor is when I was about 8 years old and then again at the age of 13. As I’ve gotten older, when the time of death has come, the smell has only gotten worse. I’ve seen the smell manifest in ways unrelated to physical death, but more along the lines of death/ending of a chapter in my life be it an aspect of a relationship with someone. Thankfully it has been a while since I have picked up on the smell. The best way I can describe the smell now is death and decay, it’s indescribable. The good news is, the smell doesn’t come often. Lastly, I must add that I have smelled foul odors in locations where death is prominent (i.e. a place where someone has died in the past). 

Another thing I fear is the nightmares. I have PTSD and am prone to having nightmares from time to time, but sometimes other factors affects the nightmares such as death. I’ve had countless nightmares about death. They vary between myself, my parents, my brother, my grandparents, my dog Zuzu, and other people I hold dear in my life. It’s never subtle either. When I see death of others in my dreams often violent, gruesome, unforgiving, intense, and horrifying. And nightmares where I do not see people die, I’m given the imagery from what I can describe as an abstract version of death. 

Lastly, it’s the sickness that I see in others, or even just the concept of sickness makes me cringe. I watched my mom battle cancer for seven years. She’s had breast cancer twice, colon cancer, then lastly, lung cancer. She’s had chemo, radiation, and several surgeries over the past few years. I remember as a teenager I watched how ill she was, and I could feel death hanging around us. It was the worst feeling in the world; not being able to do a single thing about this. I always felt this heavy weight on my shoulders and my chest, back, legs, every fiber of my being felt pinned down by death’s presence. Besides my mom, I have seen many individuals struggle with cancer, addictions, and many other health conditions. (Not to worry, my mom is A-okay now! My mom has been tested this year and has been declared cancer free has a clean bill of health!!!)

In the end, I always strive for life, rebirth, and new beginnings, but I also honor and accept that there is a balance of life and death.

However, without a doubt there is nothing more horrifying that being stuck between your fears and the time flux of death and decay, regardless of its appearance.”

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Mind Blowing Disorderly Figures: Fuck it All poem

Fear has become the most overrated emotion of all time.

Understanding fear takes more time than it’s worth.

Could it be that there are new emotions that are ready to crawl up our spines to manifest in our brains?

Knowledge is power, right? 

I think maybe it would be worth diving into!

To understand all emotions which link to fear makes things more interesting.

And as always… it’s easier said than done of course.

Lovely…. just lovely.

Lucky for me, I know you can’t hide from me. I’ll figure you out if its the last thing I’ll do!

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(all credit goes to the original owner(s) of featured images)

Letter to Dearest

Here’s to the one who gave me my wings;

I hope you’re fucking happy.

I hope you’re fucking smiling with glee.

I can still feel your thoughts drilling through the tender fabric stitches that keeps my head attached to my spine.

I have blatantly forgotten what pure joy means.

You created me with insight, intuition, empathy, and love.

All of these things I sought out for the answers.

I hoped I could help others.

I hoped I could make a difference.

I hoped I could keep others safe and sound.

I hoped I could assure others that everything would be ok.

Success from this plan has always fallen sort.

You were supposed to guide me on my life’s path.

You were supposed to be there.

You were supposed to help open my eyes to the divine truth.

People run from me in pure horror without a second glance.

Countless times my insight and intuition created conflict and turmoi;.

The more I knew and wished to share, the more people cowered in my presence.

I can feel their petrifying fear relentlessly slashing and scraping out every bit of my soul.

Never taken seriously… my messages fell on deaf ears.

Treated like a malevolent being covered in black tar and puss.

All of the things I have seen have made my eyes burn from the inside out.

Not even gouging my eyes out would make it all go away.

The sensations I get haunt me.

A flood of vividly colored ghosts that never go away once expressed and cleared.

Good or bad ghosts feel the same to me now.

I am so jaded, beyond the deepest, darkest, blackest shade.

I’ve reached out to others out of pure, divine, and infinite love.

I reach out with the burning passion that ignites every fiber of my being.

I reveal what lays underneath my wings.

I reveal the gifts you gave me.

I reveal the gates of truth that have been presented to me to show unto others.

Gentle or harsh pictures within solid frames flip through my mind like a 3D book.

It’s almost as if I’m there within the pictures that I see.

Not a movie goer within the seats, but an actor within the film itself.

I burst and fall down in flames the longer these sensations stay within my being.

The ones who receive the visions give me things that I did not expect to see.

They give me fear as I project love.

They give me grief as I reflect the light which sadly seems to blind them.

They give me avoidance as I reach out of love.

They give me reluctant looks as I reveal my truest revelations.

They reject my entire being when it’s just too much to bare.

Some have called me evil.

Some have deliberately struck back at me like as if I was a merciless predator.

Some have called my way of life as sinful and forbidden to the great scriptures.

Almost all run away from me.

Almost all who don’t run detach themselves from me.

Almost all pretend I that don’t exist.

Almost all believe that what I perceive is mere fantasy.

Almost all who wish to dive in further only cut me loose and run.

Seldom wish to stay around.

Seldom wish to dive any further for the truth.

Seldom continue to love me the way they did before.

I fear the ones I’ve reached out to the most.

I fear they refuse to see the truth within.

No one will understand the pain as they throb like fresh whip lashings.

Shamed like an old soggy dog only to be kicked in the gut then falls to the ground.

The ones with the deepest connections with me are lying.

The ones with the deepest connections cower in fear.

The ones that matter the most is the most dangerous one of all.

One as Intuitive as I yet seemingly so hard for me read.

One whose energy rotates with a simple flip of a die.

That die rotates to one flat surface to the same one in the end of a flip.

A curious one who wants to know more, growing to understand.

One that sees me as an enigma, always thirsty for more.

One of the many who I’ve opened up my wings to.

One who has seen the light, but finds to only be somewhat adjusting.

I can feel these thoughts shredding me apart.

Like once too many times before it seems that I opened my wingspan too far this time.

Now I fear maybe since perhaps I made a fatal mistake this time.

I can feel these thoughts shredding me apart.

I can feel my fear drilling their fangs into my heart.

Their tiny little incisions drain me dry of life.

I run for cover, for protection, for safety. 

You told me that this was right way to go.

You told me to tell them all the truth.

You told me that everything is going to be alright.

Despite expressing imbalances, there is the one who always asks for more.

I cannot undo this damned curse that’s ripping me apart.

I know in the end I will find myself alone again.

I ran to protect my light.

The same light that killed them all.

The one who I thought I scared the most only wants to see more of the truth within me.

But how can that be?

Regardless, many have hated me, forgotten me, abused me, rejected me.

All because of the intuition and insight you gave to me.

I had enough of my ‘gifts’.

I hated how my gifts made them all run.

It’s a progressing and regressing infinite loop between hatred and love.

Now look at the monster you have created.

Now look at me.

I have ruined everything that I have ever touched.

I no longer just love you, I hate you too.

I am not the one you need.

I hate you. I love you.

I can feel the visions and the thoughts ripping me apart.

Ripping me apart.

This is the light?

This is the truth?

I hate you. I love you. I hate you. I love you.

This light is my curse and my blessing.

I hate you. I love you. I love you. I hate you.

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(all credit goes to original owner(s) of featured media)