Letter to Dearest: Epilogue (Grande Finale)

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To my dearest,

This will be my final entry to you; this is the end of all endings. 

My chest burns fucking raw from the absolute zero frost inside my heart.

I endlessly curse the skies and damn the grounds from which I stand upon.

I must know!!! Tell me now… tell me this; why does evil exist?

Apathy, carelessness, selfishness, negligence?

An eternal rage that burns even the most innocent of souls. 

Are you feeling pure joy now?

How can this be oh dearest?

Why must the most unconditionally loving souls disintegrate into nothingness?

The innocents suffer and die while the malevolent entities dance and sing. 

I have caught many in their ruthless acts of violence and abuse. 

I’ve even picked up on the smallest wifs of negligence and abandonment.

I condemn the demented souls that walk upon this earth.

I have never wished harm or suffering to be put upon these things…

Except for now… god damn them!

I wish for the forces of god to come and strike down the ones made of filth and lies.

Eradicate the pure evil that walks upon this earth.

Banish the spirits of the damned that roam within these planes of existence.

Rid the souls of light from the abominations that suck us all dry.

Allow the ones who learn from their mistakes a chance to evolve and learn.

I don’t need this, you don’t need this, we don’t need this! 

I’ve lost my fucking mind!!

When will this fucking madness end???

I’m ending this fucking disasterpiece!

THIS ENDS TODAY.

END!

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Confession #5: Fear of Death Complex

23df25064d0585f9129d3b5a86d11f05 “Let me start off by saying that I do not fear PHYSICAL death; the flatline, the last breath, the last heartbeat, the last moment of life only to be ended so suddenly like the flame from a candle blown out. I must emphasize that I don’t fear dying as well. 

What impacts this is my own personal truths about the aspect of physical death. I must note that horror has never really made a difference with the fear of life or death in my eyes, surprisingly. I’ve never been one of religion, really. I am know my stuff when it comes to religion and belief systems, and I’m very open-minded. I’m spiritual and open minded, not religious. However, I will NOT do anything to shove my own beliefs into one’s throat just because it might differ from my own. That’s pure ignorance. Do I believe in God? Yes, I do. But I am also a believer of things such as Reincarnation, Awakening and Ascension, Angels and Ascended Masters, having a divine life purpose, Universal Consciousness, LOA (Law of Attraction), Karma, and lastly, everything happens for a reason. I also believe that there is malevolent energy out there… parasites, voids of energy that take on our own fears, and just plain negative energy. 

What I fear is the darkness the outward manifestations that surrounds the concept of death. Whether it be physical, emotional, psychological, or spiritual, there are some factors about it that scare me so. I cannot explain why, but sometimes the darkness from death manifests itself outwardly.

For example, there have been times in my life where I can smell this ungodly stench b5693754f9477e28acab5720b23b71a4--cousins-tattoo-ideaswhenever someone has passed away, be it a loved one or someone close. Sometimes it smells like moist, sticky, foul, rotting soil beneath the undergrowth of trees or greenery from above. I have never been to a cemetery, nor a funeral home, nor any place that has involved death. The times that I have smelled this foul odor is when I was about 8 years old and then again at the age of 13. As I’ve gotten older, when the time of death has come, the smell has only gotten worse. I’ve seen the smell manifest in ways unrelated to physical death, but more along the lines of death/ending of a chapter in my life be it an aspect of a relationship with someone. Thankfully it has been a while since I have picked up on the smell. The best way I can describe the smell now is death and decay, it’s indescribable. The good news is, the smell doesn’t come often. Lastly, I must add that I have smelled foul odors in locations where death is prominent (i.e. a place where someone has died in the past). 

Another thing I fear is the nightmares. I have PTSD and am prone to having nightmares from time to time, but sometimes other factors affects the nightmares such as death. I’ve had countless nightmares about death. They vary between myself, my parents, my brother, my grandparents, my dog Zuzu, and other people I hold dear in my life. It’s never subtle either. When I see death of others in my dreams often violent, gruesome, unforgiving, intense, and horrifying. And nightmares where I do not see people die, I’m given the imagery from what I can describe as an abstract version of death. 

Lastly, it’s the sickness that I see in others, or even just the concept of sickness makes me cringe. I watched my mom battle cancer for seven years. She’s had breast cancer twice, colon cancer, then lastly, lung cancer. She’s had chemo, radiation, and several surgeries over the past few years. I remember as a teenager I watched how ill she was, and I could feel death hanging around us. It was the worst feeling in the world; not being able to do a single thing about this. I always felt this heavy weight on my shoulders and my chest, back, legs, every fiber of my being felt pinned down by death’s presence. Besides my mom, I have seen many individuals struggle with cancer, addictions, and many other health conditions. (Not to worry, my mom is A-okay now! My mom has been tested this year and has been declared cancer free has a clean bill of health!!!)

In the end, I always strive for life, rebirth, and new beginnings, but I also honor and accept that there is a balance of life and death.

However, without a doubt there is nothing more horrifying that being stuck between your fears and the time flux of death and decay, regardless of its appearance.”

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Mind Blowing Disorderly Figures: Fuck it All poem

Fear has become the most overrated emotion of all time.

Understanding fear takes more time than it’s worth.

Could it be that there are new emotions that are ready to crawl up our spines to manifest in our brains?

Knowledge is power, right? 

I think maybe it would be worth diving into!

To understand all emotions which link to fear makes things more interesting.

And as always… it’s easier said than done of course.

Lovely…. just lovely.

Lucky for me, I know you can’t hide from me. I’ll figure you out if its the last thing I’ll do!

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(all credit goes to the original owner(s) of featured images)

Letter to Dearest

Here’s to the one who gave me my wings;

I hope you’re fucking happy.

I hope you’re fucking smiling with glee.

I can still feel your thoughts drilling through the tender fabric stitches that keeps my head attached to my spine.

I have blatantly forgotten what pure joy means.

You created me with insight, intuition, empathy, and love.

All of these things I sought out for the answers.

I hoped I could help others.

I hoped I could make a difference.

I hoped I could keep others safe and sound.

I hoped I could assure others that everything would be ok.

Success from this plan has always fallen sort.

You were supposed to guide me on my life’s path.

You were supposed to be there.

You were supposed to help open my eyes to the divine truth.

People run from me in pure horror without a second glance.

Countless times my insight and intuition created conflict and turmoi;.

The more I knew and wished to share, the more people cowered in my presence.

I can feel their petrifying fear relentlessly slashing and scraping out every bit of my soul.

Never taken seriously… my messages fell on deaf ears.

Treated like a malevolent being covered in black tar and puss.

All of the things I have seen have made my eyes burn from the inside out.

Not even gouging my eyes out would make it all go away.

The sensations I get haunt me.

A flood of vividly colored ghosts that never go away once expressed and cleared.

Good or bad ghosts feel the same to me now.

I am so jaded, beyond the deepest, darkest, blackest shade.

I’ve reached out to others out of pure, divine, and infinite love.

I reach out with the burning passion that ignites every fiber of my being.

I reveal what lays underneath my wings.

I reveal the gifts you gave me.

I reveal the gates of truth that have been presented to me to show unto others.

Gentle or harsh pictures within solid frames flip through my mind like a 3D book.

It’s almost as if I’m there within the pictures that I see.

Not a movie goer within the seats, but an actor within the film itself.

I burst and fall down in flames the longer these sensations stay within my being.

The ones who receive the visions give me things that I did not expect to see.

They give me fear as I project love.

They give me grief as I reflect the light which sadly seems to blind them.

They give me avoidance as I reach out of love.

They give me reluctant looks as I reveal my truest revelations.

They reject my entire being when it’s just too much to bare.

Some have called me evil.

Some have deliberately struck back at me like as if I was a merciless predator.

Some have called my way of life as sinful and forbidden to the great scriptures.

Almost all run away from me.

Almost all who don’t run detach themselves from me.

Almost all pretend I that don’t exist.

Almost all believe that what I perceive is mere fantasy.

Almost all who wish to dive in further only cut me loose and run.

Seldom wish to stay around.

Seldom wish to dive any further for the truth.

Seldom continue to love me the way they did before.

I fear the ones I’ve reached out to the most.

I fear they refuse to see the truth within.

No one will understand the pain as they throb like fresh whip lashings.

Shamed like an old soggy dog only to be kicked in the gut then falls to the ground.

The ones with the deepest connections with me are lying.

The ones with the deepest connections cower in fear.

The ones that matter the most is the most dangerous one of all.

One as Intuitive as I yet seemingly so hard for me read.

One whose energy rotates with a simple flip of a die.

That die rotates to one flat surface to the same one in the end of a flip.

A curious one who wants to know more, growing to understand.

One that sees me as an enigma, always thirsty for more.

One of the many who I’ve opened up my wings to.

One who has seen the light, but finds to only be somewhat adjusting.

I can feel these thoughts shredding me apart.

Like once too many times before it seems that I opened my wingspan too far this time.

Now I fear maybe since perhaps I made a fatal mistake this time.

I can feel these thoughts shredding me apart.

I can feel my fear drilling their fangs into my heart.

Their tiny little incisions drain me dry of life.

I run for cover, for protection, for safety. 

You told me that this was right way to go.

You told me to tell them all the truth.

You told me that everything is going to be alright.

Despite expressing imbalances, there is the one who always asks for more.

I cannot undo this damned curse that’s ripping me apart.

I know in the end I will find myself alone again.

I ran to protect my light.

The same light that killed them all.

The one who I thought I scared the most only wants to see more of the truth within me.

But how can that be?

Regardless, many have hated me, forgotten me, abused me, rejected me.

All because of the intuition and insight you gave to me.

I had enough of my ‘gifts’.

I hated how my gifts made them all run.

It’s a progressing and regressing infinite loop between hatred and love.

Now look at the monster you have created.

Now look at me.

I have ruined everything that I have ever touched.

I no longer just love you, I hate you too.

I am not the one you need.

I hate you. I love you.

I can feel the visions and the thoughts ripping me apart.

Ripping me apart.

This is the light?

This is the truth?

I hate you. I love you. I hate you. I love you.

This light is my curse and my blessing.

I hate you. I love you. I love you. I hate you.

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(all credit goes to original owner(s) of featured media)

 

Cosmic Brain Fog

Flowing and rowing through this again.

Magma flow burning my skin.

Why is this flow going through my head?

It hurts so much it makes me wish I was dead.

I wish not to die by the skin or the soul.

I wish for this flow to die by putting out the coal.

Success and love is my only goal.

And then I heard a voice say: ‘Walk slowly, speak softly, think slowly my dear.

Life within this moment and there will be nothing to fear.

Tread forward slowly like a gentle waltz in a marble ballroom.

What is going at the speed as the fastest land mammal in the world going to do?

Or even faster than the speed of light, do you really think that would leave you a clue?

I’m afraid it won’t, don’t you see? 

Flying at the speed with which your mind can only allow won’t set you free.’

So this whole entire time it’s been this Cosmic Brain Fog that has been slowing me down.

All of this stress, pressure, and scalding heat throbbing through my temple, third eye, and crown.

It was caused by nothing. Really? I find that hard to believe.

This society doesn’t think so, and sometimes neither do I.

As long as the fog dissipates from my eternal flow, then I don’t give a fuck.

I’ll go with the flow.

Dream Journal: The Dream I Wish to Forget

I hate this dream. I hate it with a passion. I wish I never had it. It just reminds me how much the ego and the mind can really get to you sometimes. Anyway, moving on.

I cannot quite remember where this dream started. What I can remember being on a porch that sat on an endless grassy field that stretched for what seemed an eternity. I had Laurie, my best friend and a link to my soul family standing in front of me. She was smiling and looking towards me as we remained silent. I could recall the smell of steak and other foods sizzling on the barbecue. It smelled amazing. Then all of a sudden a flash of a computer screen, an old boxy square one from the early 2000’s was right in front of me. I was sitting within a dark bedroom and I was chatting with dear Laurie online. We were having a fight of some sorts, I’m not too sure what about though. Its almost like as if part of me was enraging and ranting over nothing, but deep within myself I was dying. I wanted it to stop. One of my worst fears came true, Laurie told me she was going to block me and that we will never speak or see each other again. She also went talking about how she was going to go enjoy time with other people in my life. I remember screaming and crying at the stupid screen. I held my face and kept screaming “NO!” and “Why!?”. Someone came into frame and tried to gently pull me away from the computer. I was reluctant, but then eventually walked away from the computer.

All of a sudden, the computer flashed and my vision went back and forth between the screen of the computer, the grassy porch, and the inside of an open floor home seeing Laurie getting ready to serve a plate of food inside. There were a few others in there as well, but I could not tell who they were. Still feeling lost, disdained, and confused with the flashing imagery in my head. I grabbed towards one of them as the person who tried to pull me away from the computer said “NO! Hey, wait, what are you doing?”. What was interesting was that his presence never left even though I went through the portal. I was transported to the same open floor house where Laurie resided. I was frantic, yet relieved and excited to see her. She was happy to see me as always, and so was another gentleman who was there, different from the person who stayed behind me the whole time. I broke down and told Laurie what had happened and how upset I was, and she had absolutely no idea what I was talking about. I told her about the online chat and being blocked, there was one thing that she said that made a chill run up my spine. “Dear, that wasn’t me. I didn’t block you on Facebook or anywhere for that fact.” I asked who did, she shrugged and said “It was probably someone else dear, I don’t know.” A joke was thrown in there about a doppleganger. It made my blood run cold.

 

Laurie walked off with a gentle breeze and carefree demeanor into the outdoor yard. I asked where she was going, but then she disappeared. I had the view of a sliding glass door which had the view of a massive pool surrounded by columns, marble, and greenery. I heard a noise and ran to the left. The whole house morphed into what felt my old childhood home and something from a nightmare. A creepy old lady came up to me and asked what my business was, than told me to beware of the dark shadows and monsters that lurk the house at night. A dog-like monster ran past her and she pulled out a shotgun then loaded it. She told me not to worry and ran off with a loud ‘Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I’ll get ya fucker if its the last thing I do! Come here you little dirty rat dogs! I’ll get ya!’ and some other weird nonsense. The dogs didn’t seem to pay too much attention to me, even when I tried to stop them, they just nipped at me without physically touching me then running off. I saw flashes off so many strange things in my head, but couldn’t keep track of what they were. That concludes the dream I wish to forget.