Confession #5: Fear of Death Complex

23df25064d0585f9129d3b5a86d11f05 “Let me start off by saying that I do not fear PHYSICAL death; the flatline, the last breath, the last heartbeat, the last moment of life only to be ended so suddenly like the flame from a candle blown out. I must emphasize that I don’t fear dying as well. 

What impacts this is my own personal truths about the aspect of physical death. I must note that horror has never really made a difference with the fear of life or death in my eyes, surprisingly. I’ve never been one of religion, really. I am know my stuff when it comes to religion and belief systems, and I’m very open-minded. I’m spiritual and open minded, not religious. However, I will NOT do anything to shove my own beliefs into one’s throat just because it might differ from my own. That’s pure ignorance. Do I believe in God? Yes, I do. But I am also a believer of things such as Reincarnation, Awakening and Ascension, Angels and Ascended Masters, having a divine life purpose, Universal Consciousness, LOA (Law of Attraction), Karma, and lastly, everything happens for a reason. I also believe that there is malevolent energy out there… parasites, voids of energy that take on our own fears, and just plain negative energy. 

What I fear is the darkness the outward manifestations that surrounds the concept of death. Whether it be physical, emotional, psychological, or spiritual, there are some factors about it that scare me so. I cannot explain why, but sometimes the darkness from death manifests itself outwardly.

For example, there have been times in my life where I can smell this ungodly stench b5693754f9477e28acab5720b23b71a4--cousins-tattoo-ideaswhenever someone has passed away, be it a loved one or someone close. Sometimes it smells like moist, sticky, foul, rotting soil beneath the undergrowth of trees or greenery from above. I have never been to a cemetery, nor a funeral home, nor any place that has involved death. The times that I have smelled this foul odor is when I was about 8 years old and then again at the age of 13. As I’ve gotten older, when the time of death has come, the smell has only gotten worse. I’ve seen the smell manifest in ways unrelated to physical death, but more along the lines of death/ending of a chapter in my life be it an aspect of a relationship with someone. Thankfully it has been a while since I have picked up on the smell. The best way I can describe the smell now is death and decay, it’s indescribable. The good news is, the smell doesn’t come often. Lastly, I must add that I have smelled foul odors in locations where death is prominent (i.e. a place where someone has died in the past). 

Another thing I fear is the nightmares. I have PTSD and am prone to having nightmares from time to time, but sometimes other factors affects the nightmares such as death. I’ve had countless nightmares about death. They vary between myself, my parents, my brother, my grandparents, my dog Zuzu, and other people I hold dear in my life. It’s never subtle either. When I see death of others in my dreams often violent, gruesome, unforgiving, intense, and horrifying. And nightmares where I do not see people die, I’m given the imagery from what I can describe as an abstract version of death. 

Lastly, it’s the sickness that I see in others, or even just the concept of sickness makes me cringe. I watched my mom battle cancer for seven years. She’s had breast cancer twice, colon cancer, then lastly, lung cancer. She’s had chemo, radiation, and several surgeries over the past few years. I remember as a teenager I watched how ill she was, and I could feel death hanging around us. It was the worst feeling in the world; not being able to do a single thing about this. I always felt this heavy weight on my shoulders and my chest, back, legs, every fiber of my being felt pinned down by death’s presence. Besides my mom, I have seen many individuals struggle with cancer, addictions, and many other health conditions. (Not to worry, my mom is A-okay now! My mom has been tested this year and has been declared cancer free has a clean bill of health!!!)

In the end, I always strive for life, rebirth, and new beginnings, but I also honor and accept that there is a balance of life and death.

However, without a doubt there is nothing more horrifying that being stuck between your fears and the time flux of death and decay, regardless of its appearance.”

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Confession #4

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“I have had many days where I don’t want to do anything but to eat and sleep. These days of not wanting to get out of bed only occurs in patterns. It wasn’t always like this though, I used to feel like I couldn’t get out of bed nearly 24/7. I am proud to say that this conundrum has improved greatly over time. However, the thing is I STILL have days where I can’t get out of bed. What happens is I end up having so many ideas on all of these things I want and need to do. I pep-talk myself to get up and go do stuff… but there are some days where it just does not work no matter what I do. I’m not ashamed to admit it that I have those days and I know deep down in my heart and soul that I’m not the only one who is struggling with this. I give much love and light to those who are struggling to this very day.”


Please don’t try to do this alone; you don’t have to. You are loved, you are needed, and there is always something to live for. ❤

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Life is filigree

Dark spots show more than light ones.

Sadness is my art.


Is life just a test?

If so, I’m sure I’m failing.

I can restart, right?


I don’t lie dear friend.

What I feel right now is real.

I feel nothingness.


Why do you smile friend?

What is there to smile about?

Please tell me dear friend.


My head is a mess.

Where do I even begin?

Sanity is gone.


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(You don’t have to do this alone… HELP is always within your reach!)

(Please help Depression Army and their noble cause!)

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Dream Journal: The Dream I Wish to Forget

I hate this dream. I hate it with a passion. I wish I never had it. It just reminds me how much the ego and the mind can really get to you sometimes. Anyway, moving on.

I cannot quite remember where this dream started. What I can remember being on a porch that sat on an endless grassy field that stretched for what seemed an eternity. I had Laurie, my best friend and a link to my soul family standing in front of me. She was smiling and looking towards me as we remained silent. I could recall the smell of steak and other foods sizzling on the barbecue. It smelled amazing. Then all of a sudden a flash of a computer screen, an old boxy square one from the early 2000’s was right in front of me. I was sitting within a dark bedroom and I was chatting with dear Laurie online. We were having a fight of some sorts, I’m not too sure what about though. Its almost like as if part of me was enraging and ranting over nothing, but deep within myself I was dying. I wanted it to stop. One of my worst fears came true, Laurie told me she was going to block me and that we will never speak or see each other again. She also went talking about how she was going to go enjoy time with other people in my life. I remember screaming and crying at the stupid screen. I held my face and kept screaming “NO!” and “Why!?”. Someone came into frame and tried to gently pull me away from the computer. I was reluctant, but then eventually walked away from the computer.

All of a sudden, the computer flashed and my vision went back and forth between the screen of the computer, the grassy porch, and the inside of an open floor home seeing Laurie getting ready to serve a plate of food inside. There were a few others in there as well, but I could not tell who they were. Still feeling lost, disdained, and confused with the flashing imagery in my head. I grabbed towards one of them as the person who tried to pull me away from the computer said “NO! Hey, wait, what are you doing?”. What was interesting was that his presence never left even though I went through the portal. I was transported to the same open floor house where Laurie resided. I was frantic, yet relieved and excited to see her. She was happy to see me as always, and so was another gentleman who was there, different from the person who stayed behind me the whole time. I broke down and told Laurie what had happened and how upset I was, and she had absolutely no idea what I was talking about. I told her about the online chat and being blocked, there was one thing that she said that made a chill run up my spine. “Dear, that wasn’t me. I didn’t block you on Facebook or anywhere for that fact.” I asked who did, she shrugged and said “It was probably someone else dear, I don’t know.” A joke was thrown in there about a doppleganger. It made my blood run cold.

 

Laurie walked off with a gentle breeze and carefree demeanor into the outdoor yard. I asked where she was going, but then she disappeared. I had the view of a sliding glass door which had the view of a massive pool surrounded by columns, marble, and greenery. I heard a noise and ran to the left. The whole house morphed into what felt my old childhood home and something from a nightmare. A creepy old lady came up to me and asked what my business was, than told me to beware of the dark shadows and monsters that lurk the house at night. A dog-like monster ran past her and she pulled out a shotgun then loaded it. She told me not to worry and ran off with a loud ‘Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I’ll get ya fucker if its the last thing I do! Come here you little dirty rat dogs! I’ll get ya!’ and some other weird nonsense. The dogs didn’t seem to pay too much attention to me, even when I tried to stop them, they just nipped at me without physically touching me then running off. I saw flashes off so many strange things in my head, but couldn’t keep track of what they were. That concludes the dream I wish to forget.

15 More Things to Do Instead of Self-Harm

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Even if you thought you have tried everything you can think of to get your mind off of stuff, think again! You can always:

  1. Kick back and lay in the sun
  2. Create a ‘To Do’ list
  3. Write in your journal/diary
  4. Take a 20 minute cat nap 
  5. Walk barefoot in the grass
  6. Decorate your room with fun and colorful stuff
  7. Share a cup of coffee with a friend
  8. Clean out a cluttered area in your house/room
  9. Have a picnic at a beach, lake, river, park, etc
  10. Take a road trip
  11. Go shopping with a friend
  12. Go see a movie
  13. Go outside and garden for a bit
  14. Go on a hike on a cool breezy day
  15. Turn off all of your electronics and do something fun

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15 Things You Can Do Instead of Self-Harm

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There truly is always something to live for, believe it or not. Life has so many beautiful quirks and meaningful things to cherish for years to come. Instead of causing yourself unnecessary harm, you can:

  1. Take a bite of chocolate (yum)
  2. Soak in a hot, bubbly, mineral bath
  3. Light a candle
  4. Watch a scary movie
  5. Share a laugh with friends
  6. Jump into a freshly made bed
  7. Meditate on loving topics
  8. Hug a friend or loved one
  9. Play music loud and proud
  10. Draw a colorful picture
  11. Bake some cookies
  12. Send a heart warming letter to a relative
  13. Start a new project
  14. Burn some incense
  15. Read an enticing novel

As hard as life can be, don’t give up, don’t give in, and remember that YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE. =)

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World of Psych: Anxiety

210_2      Many people struggle with anxiety. For some, it is a constant daily battle. Trying to remember how you are safe and loved when the relentless mind will not let up. As the many neurons in the brain fire and pop with every moment causing uneasy surges that feel like a shaken bottle of soda ready to blow. It’s tiring, draining, and just plain annoying.

However, I want to make it clear that you, me, and just about every single person who lives with this on a day to day basis is not alone. Here’s something about me I have not talked about at all. I have severe anxiety. Especially lately with so much stuff going on. Reality is, even if it is good stuff, its still stuff. My growing mind and body have been trying to keep steady as the world around me shifts and changes. Sometimes for me, keeping pent up energy inside and going on like the energizer bunny leads to a panic attack. It happens on and off, but lately its been happening more often. I get so angry at my head for not shutting up sometimes. Arrgh! Anyway, like many of you, I do have good days and not so good days. Yet, despite the ups and downs, I push forward because there is so many good things in my life that a cherish with all of my heart.

I can not stress how important it is to create connections with other people as scary and overwhelming it can be. There are SO many people that are feeling and experiencing the same kind of anxiety that YOU are feeling. Also, if you know of anyone who is struggling, reach out to them. Loving, Sympathetic, and Empathetic connects have more of an impact on us than we could ever understand.

I send you all much love and light! ❤

-Alex

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