Confession #5: Fear of Death Complex

23df25064d0585f9129d3b5a86d11f05 “Let me start off by saying that I do not fear PHYSICAL death; the flatline, the last breath, the last heartbeat, the last moment of life only to be ended so suddenly like the flame from a candle blown out. I must emphasize that I don’t fear dying as well. 

What impacts this is my own personal truths about the aspect of physical death. I must note that horror has never really made a difference with the fear of life or death in my eyes, surprisingly. I’ve never been one of religion, really. I am know my stuff when it comes to religion and belief systems, and I’m very open-minded. I’m spiritual and open minded, not religious. However, I will NOT do anything to shove my own beliefs into one’s throat just because it might differ from my own. That’s pure ignorance. Do I believe in God? Yes, I do. But I am also a believer of things such as Reincarnation, Awakening and Ascension, Angels and Ascended Masters, having a divine life purpose, Universal Consciousness, LOA (Law of Attraction), Karma, and lastly, everything happens for a reason. I also believe that there is malevolent energy out there… parasites, voids of energy that take on our own fears, and just plain negative energy. 

What I fear is the darkness the outward manifestations that surrounds the concept of death. Whether it be physical, emotional, psychological, or spiritual, there are some factors about it that scare me so. I cannot explain why, but sometimes the darkness from death manifests itself outwardly.

For example, there have been times in my life where I can smell this ungodly stench b5693754f9477e28acab5720b23b71a4--cousins-tattoo-ideaswhenever someone has passed away, be it a loved one or someone close. Sometimes it smells like moist, sticky, foul, rotting soil beneath the undergrowth of trees or greenery from above. I have never been to a cemetery, nor a funeral home, nor any place that has involved death. The times that I have smelled this foul odor is when I was about 8 years old and then again at the age of 13. As I’ve gotten older, when the time of death has come, the smell has only gotten worse. I’ve seen the smell manifest in ways unrelated to physical death, but more along the lines of death/ending of a chapter in my life be it an aspect of a relationship with someone. Thankfully it has been a while since I have picked up on the smell. The best way I can describe the smell now is death and decay, it’s indescribable. The good news is, the smell doesn’t come often. Lastly, I must add that I have smelled foul odors in locations where death is prominent (i.e. a place where someone has died in the past). 

Another thing I fear is the nightmares. I have PTSD and am prone to having nightmares from time to time, but sometimes other factors affects the nightmares such as death. I’ve had countless nightmares about death. They vary between myself, my parents, my brother, my grandparents, my dog Zuzu, and other people I hold dear in my life. It’s never subtle either. When I see death of others in my dreams often violent, gruesome, unforgiving, intense, and horrifying. And nightmares where I do not see people die, I’m given the imagery from what I can describe as an abstract version of death. 

Lastly, it’s the sickness that I see in others, or even just the concept of sickness makes me cringe. I watched my mom battle cancer for seven years. She’s had breast cancer twice, colon cancer, then lastly, lung cancer. She’s had chemo, radiation, and several surgeries over the past few years. I remember as a teenager I watched how ill she was, and I could feel death hanging around us. It was the worst feeling in the world; not being able to do a single thing about this. I always felt this heavy weight on my shoulders and my chest, back, legs, every fiber of my being felt pinned down by death’s presence. Besides my mom, I have seen many individuals struggle with cancer, addictions, and many other health conditions. (Not to worry, my mom is A-okay now! My mom has been tested this year and has been declared cancer free has a clean bill of health!!!)

In the end, I always strive for life, rebirth, and new beginnings, but I also honor and accept that there is a balance of life and death.

However, without a doubt there is nothing more horrifying that being stuck between your fears and the time flux of death and decay, regardless of its appearance.”

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Catching up!

Hello! My apologies for the lack of posts and content lately. I’ve recently been hit by one of many life’s curveballs…. right in the gut, or so it seems. It has taken it’s toll on me emotionally and physically over the past few weeks. Since then, life itself really hasn’t been easy lately, and I’ve found it difficult to find the motivation to continue to pursue all of the great things I had in front of me. After feeling so down and beaten up, I realized that I couldn’t continue to feel defeated from things that were out of my control. I must use my passion to give me drive when I feel stranded in the darkness. With that I am moving forward with my personal passion and drive! 


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Soul Death Composition

Fallen_angelI have forgotten everything.

Existence itself has become ever so fickle to me.

What does this thing called existence mean?

I can’t remember anything beyond suffering.

My mind has forgotten what exists beyond the clouds.

Is there anything that exists beyond the clouds in my head?

I have forgotten what it was like to be me when I felt alive and whole.

I have been forgotten along with the many other broken souls who lie before me.

We have been left behind within the distant endless swirls of rusty grey dust and ash.

The composition of love is a complex concept for those who have sealed their hearts to avoid the cruel.

The formula of creating the death of a soul is the blackness from unforgiveness, hatred, and unrelenting malice.

Is there hope for the fallen? Is there hope for the broken? Is there hope for the lost? Is there hope for the lonely? Is there hope for the hated? Is there hope for the forgotten?

Yes.


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(NOTE: There is unity, comfort, and support that can be found by confiding in others. Don’t do this alone. You don’t have to do this alone. Help awaits no matter where you are in the world.)

(all credit goes to the original owner(s) of featured image)

 

 

 

Loss Frozen Through Thoughts

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Painful thoughts throb in my mind as I drag through the days.

I’m not the same person as I used to be before everything happened. 

I changed after I knew I wasn’t wanted, needed, appreciated, and loved.

The hoops you had me jump wore out my legs, twisted my insides, and drained my spirit.

My heart and soul were bent and twisted to fit the kind of companion you wished for.

Sometimes I was your personal pet that you trained to be your own and no one else’s.

Sometimes I was your scapegoat to take the heat from your mistakes.

Sometimes I was used as a venting tool only when it was needed.

But never a true companion….

My own efforts to succeed beyond the finish line that was made for me went unnoticed.

A single mistake lead to harsh punishments and companion shaming… which led to companion hating.

You chose when to punish me and you chose when to forgive me.

The unconditional love you promised to give to me and all others was a fallacy.

Everyone else in your eyes was either a walking flaw or a soul who could do no wrong.

You could never see the pain you have caused, nor the damage that was done to me.

My world became shrouded in darkness for all to see.

Thoughts and feelings of sorrow froze into a nonstop neverending loop of madness.

Any spot of sunlight in my life appeared to be vile and obscene in your eyes.

One day I grabbed a sunspot and wrapped it around my body.

I let the light lift me up even when you attempted to grab my feet and pull me down.

I decided that I wanted to change and go to the next level.

I changed for the better. 

I changed to embrace a new tomorrow. 

You didn’t come with me.

You didn’t grow and flourish like how you said you would.

You didn’t wish for me to be happy or succeed.

You didn’t want to be happy and instead wished for pain on others.

You didn’t want to wish for a better tomorrow.

You didn’t want to be my true companion.

Life didn’t seem to work out in the way I wanted it to.

Unfortunately it just had to be this way.

Patches of old thoughts have yet to thaw out today, but for the most part it is Spring in my mind.

I still miss the old memories, the long laughs, the warm smiles, and times that were good to each other. 

But I can’t miss you, wish for your return, nor have you in my life again.

It has to be this way for the both of us.

I won’t question that.

I’m ready for a new tomorrow.

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(all credit goes to the original owner(s) of featured media)

Dream Journal: The Dream I Wish to Forget

I hate this dream. I hate it with a passion. I wish I never had it. It just reminds me how much the ego and the mind can really get to you sometimes. Anyway, moving on.

I cannot quite remember where this dream started. What I can remember being on a porch that sat on an endless grassy field that stretched for what seemed an eternity. I had Laurie, my best friend and a link to my soul family standing in front of me. She was smiling and looking towards me as we remained silent. I could recall the smell of steak and other foods sizzling on the barbecue. It smelled amazing. Then all of a sudden a flash of a computer screen, an old boxy square one from the early 2000’s was right in front of me. I was sitting within a dark bedroom and I was chatting with dear Laurie online. We were having a fight of some sorts, I’m not too sure what about though. Its almost like as if part of me was enraging and ranting over nothing, but deep within myself I was dying. I wanted it to stop. One of my worst fears came true, Laurie told me she was going to block me and that we will never speak or see each other again. She also went talking about how she was going to go enjoy time with other people in my life. I remember screaming and crying at the stupid screen. I held my face and kept screaming “NO!” and “Why!?”. Someone came into frame and tried to gently pull me away from the computer. I was reluctant, but then eventually walked away from the computer.

All of a sudden, the computer flashed and my vision went back and forth between the screen of the computer, the grassy porch, and the inside of an open floor home seeing Laurie getting ready to serve a plate of food inside. There were a few others in there as well, but I could not tell who they were. Still feeling lost, disdained, and confused with the flashing imagery in my head. I grabbed towards one of them as the person who tried to pull me away from the computer said “NO! Hey, wait, what are you doing?”. What was interesting was that his presence never left even though I went through the portal. I was transported to the same open floor house where Laurie resided. I was frantic, yet relieved and excited to see her. She was happy to see me as always, and so was another gentleman who was there, different from the person who stayed behind me the whole time. I broke down and told Laurie what had happened and how upset I was, and she had absolutely no idea what I was talking about. I told her about the online chat and being blocked, there was one thing that she said that made a chill run up my spine. “Dear, that wasn’t me. I didn’t block you on Facebook or anywhere for that fact.” I asked who did, she shrugged and said “It was probably someone else dear, I don’t know.” A joke was thrown in there about a doppleganger. It made my blood run cold.

 

Laurie walked off with a gentle breeze and carefree demeanor into the outdoor yard. I asked where she was going, but then she disappeared. I had the view of a sliding glass door which had the view of a massive pool surrounded by columns, marble, and greenery. I heard a noise and ran to the left. The whole house morphed into what felt my old childhood home and something from a nightmare. A creepy old lady came up to me and asked what my business was, than told me to beware of the dark shadows and monsters that lurk the house at night. A dog-like monster ran past her and she pulled out a shotgun then loaded it. She told me not to worry and ran off with a loud ‘Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I’ll get ya fucker if its the last thing I do! Come here you little dirty rat dogs! I’ll get ya!’ and some other weird nonsense. The dogs didn’t seem to pay too much attention to me, even when I tried to stop them, they just nipped at me without physically touching me then running off. I saw flashes off so many strange things in my head, but couldn’t keep track of what they were. That concludes the dream I wish to forget.