“Where your fear is, there is your task.” ― C.G. Jung
I’ve had an itch to write a post like this for a while now. I’m not entirely sure if this is meant to be written as a piece to vent or to just to express what is going on through my mind, body, spirit, and whatever the hell else is going on in my life, seeing that maybe someone could relate to me. Or maybe possibly add some sort of inspiration out there that speaks, “You’re not alone” or “Feeling a sense of imbalance from time to time is not out of the norm”. If neither one of those things happens, that is perfectly okay with me. I tend to go with the flow.
Okay, enough mindless rambling! Now… for perhaps the past year and a half or so I have been getting these really oddly or randomly timed sensations of something feeling ‘off’. I do know for a fact that the intuition is never wrong, but the mind that is clouded with confusion, anger, sadness, fear, or what have you can throw you for a loop. My own sensations on whether something feels ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ has indeed worked in my favor by keeping me safe and on the right track. Oh, and what I mean by sensations are what some people might consider to be ‘gut feelings’, instincts, perhaps even visions, and or sensations within the body that might signal for something. Some would believe that our own intuitions are guided by higher sources, or higher light beings. These sensations can be very sporadic at times, but those timings happen for a reason.
The reason why I am pointing this out is I’ve been noticing a pattern with some of these sensations where I feel as though something feels ‘off’. They’ve been happening around the same time of night, for a consecutive amount of nights (going from a few days straight to two weeks straight to a week of nothing to a week of something), cycling an odd pattern of ‘off’ feelings and then finally, majority of the time the next day or a few days after those sensations, something happens. Most of the time, these events aren’t major, and sometimes they are. (For the sake of anonymity, names, faces, dates, and exact details will NOT be revealed). Whether it’s little everyday annoyances to much bigger and more dramatic life changes varies. Lately, some of these events have been turning into bigger, more serious life changes, and a lot of them are not directed towards me at all.
On the flipside, I do have a lot of positive experiences where I do see something good coming my way, and eventually it does. There’s sometimes a bit of repetition to these positive sensations, yet not as much as the more ‘off’ sensations.
When I do get these weird sensations, I do what I can to cope with them like listening to music, writing, drawing, watching something on Youtube, meandering on Twitter, etc. Sometimes even talking to someone helps. Eventually after a few moments the ‘off’ sensations go away, but only to a point. I still feel remnants of it towards the back of my mind and in the bottom of my throat and stomach.
Anyway, I hope that this makes sense to those that might be experiencing this as much as I do. Feel free to drop a message if you’d like. I hope you all have a wonderful evening!
(all credit goes to the original owner(s) of featured media)
Here’s to the one who gave me my wings;
I hope you’re fucking happy.
I hope you’re fucking smiling with glee.
I can still feel your thoughts drilling through the tender fabric stitches that keeps my head attached to my spine.
I have blatantly forgotten what pure joy means.
You created me with insight, intuition, empathy, and love.
All of these things I sought out for the answers.
I hoped I could help others.
I hoped I could make a difference.
I hoped I could keep others safe and sound.
I hoped I could assure others that everything would be ok.
Success from this plan has always fallen sort.
You were supposed to guide me on my life’s path.
You were supposed to be there.
You were supposed to help open my eyes to the divine truth.
People run from me in pure horror without a second glance.
Countless times my insight and intuition created conflict and turmoi;.
The more I knew and wished to share, the more people cowered in my presence.
I can feel their petrifying fear relentlessly slashing and scraping out every bit of my soul.
Never taken seriously… my messages fell on deaf ears.
Treated like a malevolent being covered in black tar and puss.
All of the things I have seen have made my eyes burn from the inside out.
Not even gouging my eyes out would make it all go away.
The sensations I get haunt me.
A flood of vividly colored ghosts that never go away once expressed and cleared.
Good or bad ghosts feel the same to me now.
I am so jaded, beyond the deepest, darkest, blackest shade.
I’ve reached out to others out of pure, divine, and infinite love.
I reach out with the burning passion that ignites every fiber of my being.
I reveal what lays underneath my wings.
I reveal the gifts you gave me.
I reveal the gates of truth that have been presented to me to show unto others.
Gentle or harsh pictures within solid frames flip through my mind like a 3D book.
It’s almost as if I’m there within the pictures that I see.
Not a movie goer within the seats, but an actor within the film itself.
I burst and fall down in flames the longer these sensations stay within my being.
The ones who receive the visions give me things that I did not expect to see.
They give me fear as I project love.
They give me grief as I reflect the light which sadly seems to blind them.
They give me avoidance as I reach out of love.
They give me reluctant looks as I reveal my truest revelations.
They reject my entire being when it’s just too much to bare.
Some have called me evil.
Some have deliberately struck back at me like as if I was a merciless predator.
Some have called my way of life as sinful and forbidden to the great scriptures.
Almost all run away from me.
Almost all who don’t run detach themselves from me.
Almost all pretend I that don’t exist.
Almost all believe that what I perceive is mere fantasy.
Almost all who wish to dive in further only cut me loose and run.
Seldom wish to stay around.
Seldom wish to dive any further for the truth.
Seldom continue to love me the way they did before.
I fear the ones I’ve reached out to the most.
I fear they refuse to see the truth within.
No one will understand the pain as they throb like fresh whip lashings.
Shamed like an old soggy dog only to be kicked in the gut then falls to the ground.
The ones with the deepest connections with me are lying.
The ones with the deepest connections cower in fear.
The ones that matter the most is the most dangerous one of all.
One as Intuitive as I yet seemingly so hard for me read.
One whose energy rotates with a simple flip of a die.
That die rotates to one flat surface to the same one in the end of a flip.
A curious one who wants to know more, growing to understand.
One that sees me as an enigma, always thirsty for more.
One of the many who I’ve opened up my wings to.
One who has seen the light, but finds to only be somewhat adjusting.
I can feel these thoughts shredding me apart.
Like once too many times before it seems that I opened my wingspan too far this time.
Now I fear maybe since perhaps I made a fatal mistake this time.
I can feel these thoughts shredding me apart.
I can feel my fear drilling their fangs into my heart.
Their tiny little incisions drain me dry of life.
I run for cover, for protection, for safety.
You told me that this was right way to go.
You told me to tell them all the truth.
You told me that everything is going to be alright.
Despite expressing imbalances, there is the one who always asks for more.
I cannot undo this damned curse that’s ripping me apart.
I know in the end I will find myself alone again.
I ran to protect my light.
The same light that killed them all.
The one who I thought I scared the most only wants to see more of the truth within me.
But how can that be?
Regardless, many have hated me, forgotten me, abused me, rejected me.
All because of the intuition and insight you gave to me.
I had enough of my ‘gifts’.
I hated how my gifts made them all run.
It’s a progressing and regressing infinite loop between hatred and love.
Now look at the monster you have created.
Now look at me.
I have ruined everything that I have ever touched.
I no longer just love you, I hate you too.
I am not the one you need.
I hate you. I love you.
I can feel the visions and the thoughts ripping me apart.
Ripping me apart.
This is the light?
This is the truth?
I hate you. I love you. I hate you. I love you.
This light is my curse and my blessing.
I hate you. I love you. I love you. I hate you.
(all credit goes to original owner(s) of featured media)