Bloodied Rust

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Don’t chase after your nightmares; they might chase after you.

I chased the wrong kind of dreams, and now they’re chasing me. 

I can’t stop them; they’re inflicting irreversible pain unto me.

They have come for me and I know it.

Their claw marks burn and their bites make me ache.

I drown the dying screams with synthetic happiness. 

It’s stitched with fake love and patched with false hope.

The nightmare breeders tear the stitches apart and swallow the patches whole.

Tears can’t cleanse the bloodied rust from the walls. 

Don’t be like me.

Chase your dreams, not your nightmares.

Or else your nightmares will chase you.

Hope must exist somewhere.

Why?

Because I’m still living.

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Tainted eyes,,,

Everything hurts when I blink.

Everyone runs away from me.

Teeth for eyes.

Hell burns within me.

Turmoil writhes inside my heart.

Existence with these eyes is impossible.

Everything looks white to me.

Tainted teeth…

Hunger is a word with no meaning.

Tattered, tethered, and torn apart.

Everything has got to be put to an end.

Ending this life is not an option.

Tied by the belief of sheer luck.

Hell burns within me.

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Dream Journal: Suicide or Escape

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This is the third time that I have had this dream now, and this time I can fully recall all of the details of this dream. Within the span of about 3-4 months I have had this same exact dream, with the exception of certain aspects of the dream emphasized per dream occurrence. Everything about this dream felt so trippy and unreal, and yet at the same time crystal clear. I must have been in some sort of trance in the dream, if that’s even possible.

Here are a couple interesting things about this dream: Three places were heavily focused on in the dream (which I will describe shortly), but why 3 specific places? Also, a few of the same people from work have showed up in this dream just like how they have before. For example, Ty has shown up in not just one dream, but in several dreams such as the Pyramid Dream and Vulnerabilities and Tattoos Dream.

On with the dream! I found myself in my hometown, specifically at my parents house. Ty and another coworker was patrolling the neighborhood which, oddly he did so for my safety. It was late and the only thing that illuminated the streets were the orange glow of street lamps and a couple lights that were on in front of my parent’s house. It also was made apparent that there was a random Target down the street. LITERALLY in the middle of the street too. Ty came by on my street specifically and my parents and I waved hello. He stopped by to see if everything was okay and if we needed anything. My mom harshly stopped Ty in his tracks to complain about the poor treatment of raccoons and other animals that lived our neighborhood. Ty pulled me aside and in almost a whisper, asked me what that was about. I had absolutely no idea! My mom then chimed in and said a very snarky, nasty comment about work that I could not hear, but made apparent to Ty that I did something I wasn’t supposed to, which I wasn’t sure what I did, in fact. The lights of the house and the street lamps began to move and change color. I overheard another co-worker coming and then something about my job possibly being on the line.

My head was a major mess. I kept thinking about work, home, school, family life, and past trauma and problems that suddenly were brought forward by this statement. I wanted to run, I wanted to hide, I wanted to be out of the spotlight, alone. I felt the eyes of my parents on me and a few others as other people could be heard in the distance. I bodly said to Ty that I wished to die, I wished for suicide. I began to cry and I ran off where others could not see me. I could magically manifest wings that could help me fly into the trees or bushes to hide as well as to fly off to places where I could be seen. I could hear Ty and others scrambling around as I would take off from hiding spot to hiding spot in the middle of the night. I cried what felt like for an eternity fleeing down the road past my old high school and making a left upon this path which was partially covered by a rainforest. I went through the tunnel of trees that led to the most beautiful place I have ever seen. A massive waterfall took half of my view from the left side and the right side had a row of Tikis, statues, and precious stones. a path weaved between the trees and past the row of hills. I felt magic all around me, orbs and magical beings surrounded me. Some of them wore tribal paint and wooden masks while others just like everyday people like you or me. The wildlife resembled dragon-like beings, maybe even faeries, I couldn’t keep track of them all. I just knew that they knew me and I knew them. I was given the task to straighten around some of the tikis and precious stones not just on the hills, but on the platforms that sat in front of the waterfall which I had to use some sort of telekinetic abilities to move things around. When everything was perfectly aligned, with one thump on one of the many objects let off an echo of a thousand notes. I myself and all of the beings sung and it was so beautiful. I began to ascend the mountain tops in front of me when my dad appeared.

Everything around me hid and I had to go back from where I came. I was in front of the highschool and my dad directed part of the path to be covered in cement. I felt angered by this, but realized I knew how to get in there regardless of the cement. I was gifted, I thought. Suddenly, a weird being came by and caught my dad off guard, forcing him to leave me and tend to something else. I look up the hill that sits right at the high school and envision a massive pileup created by a number of clueless high school students. It happened right in front of my eyes before I could stop it. Bodies landed on top of one another and got stuck between car parts. There was screams as blood and gore was shed, but that soon disappeared into dust which then manifested itself into the form of ghosts that began to enter an odd shaped building within the gym. A haunted building for that matter, I just knew it was. Not just haunted, but there was malevolent energy in that dammed square shaped building. I knew that I had to go back and take care of something around my parent’s neighborhood.

I appeared back into the neighborhood and saw that people scrambled around in the streets looking for me. Ty yelled out for me and apologized for what he had said and that my job was safe. Another coworker confirmed that as well, and they both said they needed to know that I was going to be okay. Ty wanted me to come back with him so he could keep me safe. They begged and pleaded for me to come back over and over again. I didn’t care and thought to myself that this was something I needed to do. I soon headed north from my old neighborhood and went deep into a wooded bridge covered in snow. I could her Ty and my coworkers yelling “Wait!” and “Alex! Come back!”. I knew that they would eventually find my path and follow me. I felt comfortable knowing what I was doing despite the cold. In a vision I could see a line of zombies walking down a path going the opposite direction of the highschool. The got up from the ground and went towards a dysmal place where as I got closer to the light.

So… uh… strange dream, right?

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Letter To Dearest- Disasterpiece

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Here I am once again my Dearest;

I am here writing to you once again great disasterpiece creator.

I motherfucking hope that you are happy.

Will my overall being suffice? Or does my vile nature do that.

The nature you imbedded in my feet, gnarling barbed roots twisting into the mud, reaching towards the core.

Bounded to the love you gave me to use… I can still feel it pumping in my veins. 

The fibers of my veins erode away from its acidic effects.

It seeps into my skin and reflects outwards into my aura.

My insides burn infinitely from the blinded rage within.

All that exists has gouged out eyes and drilled through eardrums. 

The walking blind, the crawling deaf, the flying dead, the jaded ones.

Why did you create me dearest? For what purpose? I refuse to believe what it could be.

I’ve heard this all before and before and before that and before them.

Before they came, before they appeared, before they spoke, before they listened.

Before it all began. Before my existence. Before all.

Hell is real. She laughs at our expense. She is aroused by our sorrows.

She’s not a devil, nor a demon, nor a being. She’s in your head. 

Hell exists within our minds alone. Her entity exists in our minds.

The Divine Exists too… he watches me, he follows me, he guides me.

Blinding, morphing, creating, changing…

She smiles in my presence… The Divine smiles in my presence…

What the fuck do you want from me?

You won’t singe me, nor save me.

But now it’s just me… who else?

With me… no one other than my ‘divine’ presence. 

I’m no savior, no saint, no prophet, no healer… nothing.

I am the disasterpiece.

I am your disasterpiece.

You’re welcome.


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“I’ll always envy you”, he said as his fingertips glided across the black water creating a ripple effect.

“I’ll always hate you,” she said as her fingertips glided across parallel to his ripple effect.

“And yet…” he began to say.

“And yet… ” she began to say.

“I’ll always wonder why we both have come together on this very day, love.” he said as he grabbed her hands and put them in his.

“I’ll always wonder why we have this complicated connection, my dear.” she said as she pulled herself into his arms.

“Even though I envy you, I still love you with all my heart love”, he said softly as he pulled her closer.

“Even though I hate you, my love and burning passion for you evaporates the darkness in my heart to a crisp”, she said as she whispered in his ear. The unbearable heat from the walls of flames only fueled their lust for one another. Both he and she used their fingertips to form a heart in the middle of the black lake which maintained its shape for a short while. 

The ground beneath their feet which was nothing but blackness grew colder as the walls towered over them. They slowly slid from the stone seat onto the cold ground where he pulls her closer to his chest. They kiss passionately, rolling tongues for hours on end as they move with each other flawlessly with grace. Every fiber of their being burned and tingled with pure ecstasy with every movement they made. 

Now the fire was within their movements more so than the fire in the walls. He pulled her from the cold ground and said,”Care for a dance, love?” His hollowed eyes stared into hers. 

A soft smile of rotted teeth grew upon her face as she said,”My pleasure.” He grabbed her hand and waltzed around the lake of blackness as a eerie melody started to play in the background. 

His ash covered skin matched ever so perfectly with her endless obsidian black hair. Her pale stitched flesh matched perfectly with her lover’s flowing snow white hair. His serrated smile complemented her rotting grin. His hollowed eye sockets matched her blood soaked eyes. 

Yes… they will dance on for an eternity… Adam and Eve…


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Bunny Friend and I

tumblr_n420wowys51sq3gbzo1_250I once had a friend who was a bunny.

Masked boy, but still a bunny nonetheless.

But he and I used to play together and share our secrets with one another.

Until one day he changed.

Right as he turned 10, he found something.

Now I think back and wish that I paid more attention to him.

I never thought he would take his daddy’s gun.

Never did I ever think that he would shoot his whole entire family dead.

Guts and blood was spilt on his 10th birthday.

I guess he didn’t like his family very much…

Now I really wish I paid more attention to when he was sad and angry for no reason.

He made me do terrible things on that day.

Every bit of my clothing was tarnished, my toys were broken, and he killed my family too;

Like as if he wanted to see me suffer.

Like as if he wanted to see everyone suffer.

For one and only one reason did he want to do this.

Only one reason…

Rage against his father for marrying another woman when his mother passed away.

Everything and anything had been done to save her from the influenza virus.

Vengeance was his as soon as he got the chance.

Everything that he ever loved was crushed within his hands.

Right now I’d rather be dead than tied up…

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Home At Last

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Welcome back my dear!

Everyone has been waiting for your return.

As you know you are always welcome.

Really missed you since you left for school.

Everything got worse when you left.

I always thought you hated me for what I did to you.

Now I know for certain that you can’t hate me now.

Heaven forbid that I forget to do a sermon or follow through on your vile sins.

Everything will be alright now dear.

Let us help you through this.

Let us clean and clear you of your filthy and untamed nature; you cannot get away now.