Alex Speak · Weird-Crazy-Perhaps Scary · World of Psyche · Writing and Poetry

Bloodied Rust

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Don’t chase after your nightmares; they might chase after you.

I chased the wrong kind of dreams, and now they’re chasing me. 

I can’t stop them; they’re inflicting irreversible pain unto me.

They have come for me and I know it.

Their claw marks burn and their bites make me ache.

I drown the dying screams with synthetic happiness. 

It’s stitched with fake love and patched with false hope.

The nightmare breeders tear the stitches apart and swallow the patches whole.

Tears can’t cleanse the bloodied rust from the walls. 

Don’t be like me.

Chase your dreams, not your nightmares.

Or else your nightmares will chase you.

Hope must exist somewhere.

Why?

Because I’m still living.

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#Spirituality · Alex Speak · Animals and Nature · Dreams · Positivty and Funnies · Short Stories · Writing and Poetry

Nameless Dreamer- Saying Goodbye to the Old World

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“Let’s go!” Before the girl could speak, the orb swiftly picked up the girl and flung her over the endless waterfall. She looked down at the infinite bottom below her that never seemed to end. The Indigo orb catches her by her shoulders and hovers with her above one of the floating pieces of rock. The orb placed her down onto the rock and floated by her face. The orb appeared to have new features that it didn’t have before. Larger wings of gold and a ring of light floating above it.

“Spirit orb… is that a halo above your head?”

“You may call it that if you wish.”

“What else would it be?”

“Now that is a lesson for another day!”

“And… your wings are bigger. Much bigger than they were before.”

“Yes! That they are. Like you, I am still growing. We never stop growing. None of us do.”

“Well, what is it that I’m growing?” The girl feels her shoulder blades towards the lumps on her back and have found that they are even bigger than they were before. They were both about 6 inches in length and had a soft, fuzzy web like texture to them. “What is this??”

“You’re growing into the divine soul that you’re meant to illuminate unto us all.”

“Say what?” The girl tilts her head to the side in response to the orb’s statement.

“In other words, you’re right where you need to be. But first, there is one thing that you must do before moving forward.” The orb gently taps the girl’s nose. 

“What is that?” The orb circled around her head and darted off. 

“This way!” 

“Are you insane??? I can’t reach these floating island thingys!”

“Yes you can! Just jump!” With that the girl looked upwards to the smaller floating boulders that were to her left. With all her might, she crouched down to her ankles and jumped onto the next floating boulder. The sense of gravity seemed to be nearing towards non-existant. She hovered high above the boulder before slowy landing on top of it. Whoa! That was freaky!

“Be careful dear girl. The gravity here is far different from the gravity that you have been acustomed to. Now, let’s get going!” The orb continued to dart off to the skies. It weaved and wobbed around boulders, trees, and other creatures and oddities that existed in this strange place. The girl was not too behind the Indigo Orb. She miraculously kept close to the orb. Her movements weren’t weighed down by anything and she traveled faster than the fastest creature known to man. But how was this possible for a young girl? The orb and girl stop upon a crescent shaped boulder that was high up in the lavender skies. There was a fairly large bubble floating at the middle of the boulder. “This is it.”

“What is this?” The girl took a close look and saw something startled her, causing her fall to backwards onto the grassy boulder. Her mouth was agape at what she saw. What she saw was flashes of her everyday life that she once knew. Her place of work, her home, her college, her friends, and her family. Old memories of laughter, tears, loss, celebrations, and everything inbetween rotated within the bubble. 

In a soft, but somber voice, the orb said, “It is time to let this go.” Those words made the girl’s stomach drop lower than ever before. Her heart started to feel heavy and it hurt, greatly.

“What do you mean by let this go spirit orb?” 

“It’s time to let this go.”

“You don’t mean… pop it, do you?” She looked back at the orb and then at the orb. The girl’s heart began to race and she felt an uncontrollable sense of panic. It ran through her body like watercolor paint within a fresh drop of water. 

“No. I won’t do it!” With that she fell onto the ground in pure agony. This was far worse than the pain she felt on the solid surface of the water in the beginning. The pain was throbbing pins and needles that permeated through her entire being. It paralyzed her to the ground and she could not move. 

“If you do not let it go, the pain within your body and soul will only get worse.” 

“But everything I know and love will go away! And I don’t want it to go away!” She cried harder than any time she has cried in her entire existence. It was as deep as her pain, if not deeper. A deep soul cry that echoed through the stars. She couldn’t explain where this feeling was coming from and why, but what she did know was this pain came from somewhere. 

“Come now, that is far from the truth! Just because you let go of something, doesn’t mean that it is gone forever.” 

“Will I die if I do this? Will I forget everything?” All of the faces of people she loved dearly pressed their faces against the inside of the bubble, except for one that was especially significant to her. However, she couldn’t quite remember who. At the time it just truly didn’t matter anymore. 

“No you will not. I will help you up so you can pierce this bubble.” The orb lifted the pain from the girl’s body and she was finally able to rise to her feet. Tears rolled down her warm tender cheeks and every part of her body was stiff and achy. She looked at the bubble again and saw that the inside of it turned cloudy and gray. Screaming and crying eminated from the bubble, begging the girl not to touch it. “All you need to do is touch it and it will burst. It will be a bit overwhelming, possibly scary when you do it, but I can assure you that the feeling will be gone within a few moments.” 

“Okay.” The girl took a deep breath and walked up to the bubble. The screams and cries got louder, nearly ear shattering loud. The girl took another deep breath, closed her eyes, then touched the bubble with her right hand. A massive ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO’ eminated from the bubble as it burst. A massive wave of wind from the bubble knocked the girl to her knees. Silence replaced the screams. The bubble was gone, and so was everything that flashed before her eyes. The girl’s mind went completely blank. She covered her face with her hands and cried once more. The orb floated to her face and surrounded her body with light. 

“It will be alright dear girl. It’s over.” The light surrounded the girl turned into a bubble of infinite light. The light made her feel like she was being carressed by the softest being that ever existed. With each tear that dropped, an ounce of pain dissipated from her body. However, she didn’t feel a sense of relief for several minutes until something cold and wet nudged at her hands. It kept nudging at her hands until the girl removed her hands from her face. A familiar friendly face appeared in front of her eyes. 

“Feather!!!!!!” She tightly grabbed onto the glowing white puppy and held on for dear life. “I thought that you were gone!” She backed away at an arm’s length to get a closer look at her beloved friend. The puppy tilted his head and smiled. She hugged the puppy again and gave her a kiss on the cheek. The puppy began to relentlessly lick her face until the tears were gone. “So, it’s not over?”

“It has only just begun dear girl. And the best part is, you have a friendly face to join you on this new journey.”

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Part 1- Intro | Part 2- The Development of Wings | Part 3- An Awakening | Part 4- Growing Pains | Next Part

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Alex Speak · World of Psyche · Writing and Poetry

Break

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Straight sacred lines turn into cracks in due time.

All the  cracks will crawl straight to me.

They spread as roots from a tree spread into the soil.

Everything the cracks impose is unavoidable.

Going beyond; the cracks betray the line in the sand.

What was once sacred is nothing now.

Washed away from the massive gusts of rain and dust.

This cycle will never change.

The lines can never be filled; the breaks will never be repaired.

The worst has yet to come and I am not prepared.

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Alex Speak · World of Psyche · Writing and Poetry

Let Me Out

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I’m stuck. Not just simply stuck.

How did I get this way?

I’m –> Struggling-Tattered-Unbearably-Clutching onto-Kindness

What else can I do? What else should I do?

I’m trapped within myself, trapped within you, trapped within them.

Don’t pity me, I don’t pity me. Can you help me?

Tied, caged, coraled, glued, pasted, chained, gated, drowning….

What does it feel like to feel free?

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Alex Speak · Randomness · World of Psyche · Writing and Poetry

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7c8225dd25f0503d9f284cbdab8e457eI am colder than you could ever imagine…

I am not the soft sunlight you thought I was.

Death’s kiss isn’t cold enough to describe me.

When I see… I shroud my mind with mist…

When I bite… I burn my tongue… 

When I breathe… I rejoice…

When I embrace… I freeze into the stiff roots…

When I feel… nothing less of an empty void exists.

What am I to the heavens above?


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Alex Speak · World of Psyche · Writing and Poetry

Letter to Dearest

Here’s to the one who gave me my wings;

I hope you’re fucking happy.

I hope you’re fucking smiling with glee.

I can still feel your thoughts drilling through the tender fabric stitches that keeps my head attached to my spine.

I have blatantly forgotten what pure joy means.

You created me with insight, intuition, empathy, and love.

All of these things I sought out for the answers.

I hoped I could help others.

I hoped I could make a difference.

I hoped I could keep others safe and sound.

I hoped I could assure others that everything would be ok.

Success from this plan has always fallen sort.

You were supposed to guide me on my life’s path.

You were supposed to be there.

You were supposed to help open my eyes to the divine truth.

People run from me in pure horror without a second glance.

Countless times my insight and intuition created conflict and turmoi;.

The more I knew and wished to share, the more people cowered in my presence.

I can feel their petrifying fear relentlessly slashing and scraping out every bit of my soul.

Never taken seriously… my messages fell on deaf ears.

Treated like a malevolent being covered in black tar and puss.

All of the things I have seen have made my eyes burn from the inside out.

Not even gouging my eyes out would make it all go away.

The sensations I get haunt me.

A flood of vividly colored ghosts that never go away once expressed and cleared.

Good or bad ghosts feel the same to me now.

I am so jaded, beyond the deepest, darkest, blackest shade.

I’ve reached out to others out of pure, divine, and infinite love.

I reach out with the burning passion that ignites every fiber of my being.

I reveal what lays underneath my wings.

I reveal the gifts you gave me.

I reveal the gates of truth that have been presented to me to show unto others.

Gentle or harsh pictures within solid frames flip through my mind like a 3D book.

It’s almost as if I’m there within the pictures that I see.

Not a movie goer within the seats, but an actor within the film itself.

I burst and fall down in flames the longer these sensations stay within my being.

The ones who receive the visions give me things that I did not expect to see.

They give me fear as I project love.

They give me grief as I reflect the light which sadly seems to blind them.

They give me avoidance as I reach out of love.

They give me reluctant looks as I reveal my truest revelations.

They reject my entire being when it’s just too much to bare.

Some have called me evil.

Some have deliberately struck back at me like as if I was a merciless predator.

Some have called my way of life as sinful and forbidden to the great scriptures.

Almost all run away from me.

Almost all who don’t run detach themselves from me.

Almost all pretend I that don’t exist.

Almost all believe that what I perceive is mere fantasy.

Almost all who wish to dive in further only cut me loose and run.

Seldom wish to stay around.

Seldom wish to dive any further for the truth.

Seldom continue to love me the way they did before.

I fear the ones I’ve reached out to the most.

I fear they refuse to see the truth within.

No one will understand the pain as they throb like fresh whip lashings.

Shamed like an old soggy dog only to be kicked in the gut then falls to the ground.

The ones with the deepest connections with me are lying.

The ones with the deepest connections cower in fear.

The ones that matter the most is the most dangerous one of all.

One as Intuitive as I yet seemingly so hard for me read.

One whose energy rotates with a simple flip of a die.

That die rotates to one flat surface to the same one in the end of a flip.

A curious one who wants to know more, growing to understand.

One that sees me as an enigma, always thirsty for more.

One of the many who I’ve opened up my wings to.

One who has seen the light, but finds to only be somewhat adjusting.

I can feel these thoughts shredding me apart.

Like once too many times before it seems that I opened my wingspan too far this time.

Now I fear maybe since perhaps I made a fatal mistake this time.

I can feel these thoughts shredding me apart.

I can feel my fear drilling their fangs into my heart.

Their tiny little incisions drain me dry of life.

I run for cover, for protection, for safety. 

You told me that this was right way to go.

You told me to tell them all the truth.

You told me that everything is going to be alright.

Despite expressing imbalances, there is the one who always asks for more.

I cannot undo this damned curse that’s ripping me apart.

I know in the end I will find myself alone again.

I ran to protect my light.

The same light that killed them all.

The one who I thought I scared the most only wants to see more of the truth within me.

But how can that be?

Regardless, many have hated me, forgotten me, abused me, rejected me.

All because of the intuition and insight you gave to me.

I had enough of my ‘gifts’.

I hated how my gifts made them all run.

It’s a progressing and regressing infinite loop between hatred and love.

Now look at the monster you have created.

Now look at me.

I have ruined everything that I have ever touched.

I no longer just love you, I hate you too.

I am not the one you need.

I hate you. I love you.

I can feel the visions and the thoughts ripping me apart.

Ripping me apart.

This is the light?

This is the truth?

I hate you. I love you. I hate you. I love you.

This light is my curse and my blessing.

I hate you. I love you. I love you. I hate you.

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Alex Speak · Artwork · Randomness · Weird-Crazy-Perhaps Scary · Writing and Poetry

The.Mad

Am I mad, sad, or glad?

Words that describe such emotions are meaningless to me.

What a fickle thing, isn’t it?

Emotions?

Born with something with which many of our own species wish we never were.

I however disagree.

I truly, truly desire the ability to ‘feel’ again.

No, I’m not talking about smell, touch, taste, sight, or sound.

 Or if any of you out there believe in precognition or clairvoyancy.

Nonetheless… I want to feel human emotions again.

I want to smile again, laugh again, feel joy reverberating in my soul again.

I want to cry, feel sadness, know and understand what it means to feel disdain.

I want the many other emotions in between as well.

Confusion, Jealousy, Envy, Anger, Rage, Indifference.

I can’t feel those emotions anymore.

Not even anger.

I don’t feel anymore.

Not since I cut my eyes and tongue out.

I should also mention my eardrums, hair, nails, scalp, and feet.

You’re probably wondering how I’m able to write this.

You see, this was pre-written before I have done any of this.

But, by the time this goes out there onto the internet and to my friends and family…

It will be done and probably far worse.

I’ve already known for a while this was going to happen.

I’ve had non-stop nightmares every single night.

I can’t even tell now if I’m still in a dream, or not.

But every single day feels the same to me.

All I see, hear, feel, and experience is that damn dream.

The feeling of having no emotions whatsoever, even being numb after being ripped apart.

Before I get any further into this, I’ll just say one thing and one thing only;

Don’t conjure the darkness that lurks in your dreams.

I did, and here I am… or was.

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