Catching up!

Hello! My apologies for the lack of posts and content lately. I’ve recently been hit by one of many life’s curveballs…. right in the gut, or so it seems. It has taken it’s toll on me emotionally and physically over the past few weeks. Since then, life itself really hasn’t been easy lately, and I’ve found it difficult to find the motivation to continue to pursue all of the great things I had in front of me. After feeling so down and beaten up, I realized that I couldn’t continue to feel defeated from things that were out of my control. I must use my passion to give me drive when I feel stranded in the darkness. With that I am moving forward with my personal passion and drive! 


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Giving Up & In

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I have lost the will to be anything other than me.

The weight of the mask bears too much on my fragile heart.

I’m not a terrible person; I am a person who seeks love and belonging.

I search despite the fact I feel as though I am unworthy for it.

I have grown sick of the twisted melodies flooding my mind every single night.

I no longer wish to hide from the world for it has already consumed me to a morsel of dust.

Dear mind, please let me be me for once.

I no longer wish to fight this losing battle.

Set me free from this disguise so I can finally heal from my seeping wounds.

I deserve to have a chance too…


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Life is filigree

Dark spots show more than light ones.

Sadness is my art.


Is life just a test?

If so, I’m sure I’m failing.

I can restart, right?


I don’t lie dear friend.

What I feel right now is real.

I feel nothingness.


Why do you smile friend?

What is there to smile about?

Please tell me dear friend.


My head is a mess.

Where do I even begin?

Sanity is gone.


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(You don’t have to do this alone… HELP is always within your reach!)

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Fatal

63e4107d1925c588057a05dbb39d3132The true monster lies within my head.

I know damn well that it wants me dead.

I feel as though I’m dangling from a single thread.

Sleep has never really been my thing…

I can’t feel joy whether if I write, dance, or sing.

I don’t want to answer the phone when it rings.

It’s ridiculous, no I’m ridiculous!

Take a good look at me.

What is it that you can see?

Maybe if you tell me the truth then you can set me free.

But I know it cannot be… the only one who can tell the truth is me.


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(Don’t do this alone… HELP is within your reach)

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Dream Journal- The Black Eyes Are Ripping me Apart

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The other night I had a nightmare that left me drenched in a cold sweat, hyperventilating. It was extremely intense and graphic for a mostly non-lucid dream. This is an actual nightmare I had that is still hanging around in my head. Its driving me absolutely insane and I hope writing it down will help me process it.

I was at work walking back and forth past the front doors while I was on my break. I came back from the bathroom when one of my co-workers pointed out that the tail-lights and something else was out on my car. They told me they thought I should know before leaving so I would be safe on the road. Part of me felt like going outside was going to be a bad idea if I did it alone, but I did it anyway. One of the managers tried to stop me and the same person tried to urge me to go with them, but I insisted that I would be right back. It was overcast outside and the parking lot seemed to be dead. I for some reason had a flashlight in my hand like as if I knew it was going to be dark soon. It rapidly changed from an overcast parking lot full of cars to a pitch black void of parking spaces. I went to my car and that is when all hell broke loose. I saw a black eyed woman, probably in her late teens, early twenties. She wore a light jacket, jeans, and converse. I didn’t even see that she had black eyes until after speaking with her for a few moments.

Things at this point started to get a little bit scrambled and dodgy. At one point the scene flashed to me going into an office on a grassy hill with my managers. My back and chest was covered with only a towel while I wore pants. I was absolutely soaked and drained of energy. A few kind ladies where in dully designed office were helping me, trying to calm me down, yet they were completely oblivious to what was really going on. I tried to warn them not to go outside and yet… they still did.

Again, I was snapped back into the dream where I had seen the same co-worker being dragged off by more of the black eyed mutants, yet it seemed as though he got away for a brief second. I couldn’t necessarily tell for sure if he got away until later on towards the end of the dream. Majority of people were cornered by humanoid black eyed beings and were either hidden, ripped apart, or blasted into bits of bone and dust. It was an absolute gore fest as I could only stand outside amongst the blackness, helpless, unable to save my friends. Soon, I wasn’t able to comprehend what the black eyed girl said to me. A few others tried to come my way and talk to me. I ran past them and knew immediately that I just had to do something. I ran past all of the stores in the strip, jumping from platform to platform, listening to the godawful dying screams of my friends. I tried to keep my eye on what I needed to do and there was an ancient vault across the street, behind where I worked with which I knew the answer to this would be within my grasp. I was desperate to find some solution.

I find myself in what appeared to either be an ancient vault or tomb within a warehouse across the street. The walls were lined with thousands of pictographs and symbols I could not recognize. Jewels and fine crystals lined this vault-like marking on the wall which held a very strange artifact. It was a golden oriental Japanese fan. Suddenly, a large mass of jagged, growling, demented beings tried to intimidate me from grabbing the fan. One of them hopped out from the crowed and tried to bribe, threaten, and persuade me from grabbing it. I did it any way and flew out of there free from their grasp as I could hear their dying screams. It was music to my ears to hear the shrieks from hell bound beasts for I knew it meant I was starting to succeed past their evil.

I found myself change shape. I wasn’t Alex anymore, but I was a crane like creature that could use the fan to fly. I knew that I needed to fly out of there to get help while I still could. I could hear encouraging cheers and support from the ones below me. I had to jump from platform to platform in this such bizarre place. It was a set of buildings, old and new, built above a set of small creeks and rivers. It was absolutely beautiful and as soon as I reached the top, I could see beyond the horizon. I was so close to victory knowing I could save so many people and beat these bastards. Unfortunately, that was taken from me too soon when I was gearing to fly off when I heard a scream for help, and that scream asked for me. I jumped down believing I could save them, but as I got down there, I was knocked down and overrun by a few of the black-eyed mutants. They seemed zombie like in appearance and stone cold hearted like a hell frozen over parasite. The sky and everything around me turned red and the screams got louder. I could hear shards of glass and small explosions breaking out. I jumped onto a higher platform to try to get away, but one of the more aggressive ones hopped up and ripped my right hand off, the one that held the fan. The fan’s magical powers stopped working and the banshee could not get it from the hand it held. He tried to bargain with me, and I bluffed it and ran. After that, I woke up absolutely drenched in sweat and consumed by fear.


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Mind Blowing Disorderly Figures: Fuck it All poem

Fear has become the most overrated emotion of all time.

Understanding fear takes more time than it’s worth.

Could it be that there are new emotions that are ready to crawl up our spines to manifest in our brains?

Knowledge is power, right? 

I think maybe it would be worth diving into!

To understand all emotions which link to fear makes things more interesting.

And as always… it’s easier said than done of course.

Lovely…. just lovely.

Lucky for me, I know you can’t hide from me. I’ll figure you out if its the last thing I’ll do!

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World of Psyche- Unmotivation

I still have yet to fully grasp what the true meaning of unmotivation; however, I do know that at one point or another it affects us all. Its that overwhelming shadow that weighs over us, causing us to feel so low to where even doing the things we love doesn’t seem appealing at all. And when it hits you, it hits hard.

Everyone goes through this, everyone. I don’t want anyone to believe that they are alone with this. To me, this is an on and off issue. I can’t quite pinpoint what causes me to feel unmotivated other than stress. When I’m stressed and overtired, it makes me really not want to do much of anything. It really affects me when it comes to the fine arts aspect of me. I absolutely love art, and I hate it when I get demotivated or get ‘artist’s block’. 

Unmotivation seems to very well be an aspect of Depression. Regardless, this is something that I know very damn well that this is an obstacle that we can ALL overcome. I believe there are a few things that can be done to help this problem:

  1. Step back from the overall situation to gain some perspective.
  2. Take a break from whatever project(s) you are working on (even if its just a brief one).
  3. Breathe. Always remember to breathe.
  4. The last thing you would ever want to do is to make it worse. Fighting it and beating yourself up is only going to make the problem worse.
  5. Have faith and hope that our motivation and drive can and will come back.

In the end, it all works out, believe it or not. Its ok to feel tired, worn down, depressed, unmotivated. We weren’t born to be or feel perfect. Nor were we created to be happy all the time. Always remember these things: Give yourself some credit and a pat on the back for a job well done with everything you do, Breathe calmly and deeply especially when stressed out, Don’t beat yourself up over something you have no control over, Lastly, always remember to look forward.

-Alex

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