What am I?

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What am I to you?

Label or passion? Label or contraption? Labeled or faced with dissatisfaction?

Am I a lover of the rain; or a Pluviophite?

Am I a lover of the storming skies; or a Ceraunophiliac?

Am I a lover of darkness; or a Nyctophiliac?

What do you see? What do you fear? What do you know? What labels suit you? 

Are titles as safe as the blanket that keeps you warm in bed?

Do categorization make you feel invincible from all evils and bullet proof?

Do pre-made cookies for society make the world go round in your eyes?

Well, I wish you the best of luck in life.

Only a few can go back from the mindset from their pasts to find the truth in the future. 


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I do, don’t you?

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‘Tis my life’s calling, you know… the darkness fills my soul with enlightenment.

The night is my sanctuary, my happy place, my dwelling, the origin of who I really am.

Don’t insult me with petty excuses on why the darkness should be feared.

It should be loved and embraced by any light spot that blinds you willingly. 

How can you see with those lights in your eyes? Can you see your inner truth now?

Learn to adjust to your eyes to the blackness… allow yourself to succumb to it’s beauty.

Allow it to grip your insides like worms consuming an apple. 

Allow them to eat your hideous mask from the inside out. 

Embrace the decay for it shall lead you to rebirth.

Death is the new birth.

Welcome.


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Letter To Dearest- Disasterpiece

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Here I am once again my Dearest;

I am here writing to you once again great disasterpiece creator.

I motherfucking hope that you are happy.

Will my overall being suffice? Or does my vile nature do that.

The nature you imbedded in my feet, gnarling barbed roots twisting into the mud, reaching towards the core.

Bounded to the love you gave me to use… I can still feel it pumping in my veins. 

The fibers of my veins erode away from its acidic effects.

It seeps into my skin and reflects outwards into my aura.

My insides burn infinitely from the blinded rage within.

All that exists has gouged out eyes and drilled through eardrums. 

The walking blind, the crawling deaf, the flying dead, the jaded ones.

Why did you create me dearest? For what purpose? I refuse to believe what it could be.

I’ve heard this all before and before and before that and before them.

Before they came, before they appeared, before they spoke, before they listened.

Before it all began. Before my existence. Before all.

Hell is real. She laughs at our expense. She is aroused by our sorrows.

She’s not a devil, nor a demon, nor a being. She’s in your head. 

Hell exists within our minds alone. Her entity exists in our minds.

The Divine Exists too… he watches me, he follows me, he guides me.

Blinding, morphing, creating, changing…

She smiles in my presence… The Divine smiles in my presence…

What the fuck do you want from me?

You won’t singe me, nor save me.

But now it’s just me… who else?

With me… no one other than my ‘divine’ presence. 

I’m no savior, no saint, no prophet, no healer… nothing.

I am the disasterpiece.

I am your disasterpiece.

You’re welcome.


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7c8225dd25f0503d9f284cbdab8e457eI am colder than you could ever imagine…

I am not the soft sunlight you thought I was.

Death’s kiss isn’t cold enough to describe me.

When I see… I shroud my mind with mist…

When I bite… I burn my tongue… 

When I breathe… I rejoice…

When I embrace… I freeze into the stiff roots…

When I feel… nothing less of an empty void exists.

What am I to the heavens above?


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Blasphemy

 200c9ac825169b04cc9f6571f14113acBlessed be the blackened souls

Lustful for the forbidden ones

Always on the prowl for fresh blood

Seeking for shelter in ribcages of the damned

Peeking through tears where auburn leaks through

Healing only to be knocked down by the divine

Everyone knows who they are.

Meaningless entities who live on without a cause.

You have been warned… no turning back now.


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The Grove- Going Through my Dad’s Will

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May 25th 2015- Going through Dad’s Will

Yesterday was pretty uneventful, snore worthy I think. However, I think that probably was for the best because of the nightmare I had the other night really hit me hard. Come to think of it I don’t think anyone slept well the night before, not even Josh. I’ve had a bit of trouble sleeping since then, but no nightmares, thank god. Anyway, Josh, Steve, and I really didn’t do much. We sat around and talked, watched Netflix for a few hours, and ordered Chinese food for dinner.

The next day we started to dive into Dad’s stuff, which I believe from the deepest parts of my soul was extremely excruciating for everyone in the room…. Dad’s room. His room had changed a lot when I left. It really looked off… I can’t really explain it. There were papers and other random books and paraphernillia scattered all over the place. There were piles of clothes sitting in random areas in the room and a very old and stale cup of coffee on the desk with a fly buzzing around it. To me I felt as though I was walking right on my father’s corpse and intruding in some sort of way. The room smelled horrible for some odd reason, like mildew, moldy meat, putrid mud, and dust. A loud clash of thunder cracked through the air, making all of us jump and then a heavy downpour engulfed the home. Steve and Josh both looked at me with slight concern.

“Hey, sis you really don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. Steve and I can look through the will if you’d like. Besides, there’s still a lot of other stuff that needs to be done-“

“No, no don’t be silly! I’m fine, I swear! I can get through this Josh.” I interrupted Josh hastily for I didn’t want to let him down for not having the guts to do my part. “I’m sorry.” I muttered as I crossed my arms.

“Are you sure sweetheart?” Steve asked while gently putting his arm around my shoulder. 

“Yeah, I’m positive! I want to help out as much as I can. Please let me help. I promise I’ll let you two know when I need a break ok?” I assured Josh and Steve that I would be ok, even though I didn’t know it myself. They both said ok and nodded. We both took out a large file in his filing cabinet in his closet, took it to the large desk in his study, and starting to go through it. 

My Dad might have been a very laid back man, but the thing is he always kept everything neat and tidy. Laundry, dishes, Tupperware, clothes hangers, papers, even our food pantry was intricately organized. Anyway, reading through Dad’s will just had very basic stuff in it, at least from what I could see. Everything from the first five or so pages seemed to be pretty basic… then his writing just seemed so garbled after that. He had a plan set on where his assests would go and whom they would be awarded to; everything from his bank account balance, his investments, his furniture, car, home, etc. He also had everything laid out on how he wanted his funeral and burial to be laid out for the most part… then the rest of the text had scribbles, text that was lined through, massive paragraphs with typos and chicken scratch… what got me was the various drips of what appeared to be coffee on the paper, no not just that, but there was also drips of blood as well. All three of us just looked back at one another in confusion. 

“Josh?” 

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” He sounded hesitant to answer my question.

“Have you shown this to the attourney yet?”

“Nope…” He gulped.

“Josh, I really think we sho-“

“Ok, I-I-I have a confession to make to you guys!” He stood up and put his hands up when he announced this. “I have not been in this room until now. Here’s the thing I really didn’t want to tell you Jo. Before Dad died, he really began to lose it. He would often barricade himself in here for days on end and would never let anyone in, not even me. I came by every once in a while to give him food and his medications, then he’d open the door slightly, yank it out of my hands then slam the door in front of my face. He wouldn’t talk to me or look at me… I didn’t know what to do! I didn’t find Dad in here when he passed. He was in the shower and he collapsed, I swear!” Josh put his hands up to his face and broke down. I immediately hugged him and sat him down while Steve closed the file and pushed it to the side. 

“I believe you Josh, it’s going to be ok, I promise! We are in this together. I think it would be best maybe if we try to have another set of eyes or two on this so we can figure this out.” I said while comforting Josh. I had never, ever seen him cry like that before. Not even when mom passed away. So with that, we called and made an appointment to see the attourney to help us decipher through the garbled will. God help me, Josh, and Steve through this… All I can hear when I sleep now is the rain that heavily impails the windows…

Joey


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Lights Out Insomniac

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You can’t depend on the light forever.

There is nothing that can assure you that everything will be alright.

Nothing….

Nothing lasts forever friend.

Not even you will last beyond this point.

Bones, muscle, skin, hair, nails teeth… 

They will all crumble and fall apart… fall apart…

Not even the darkness lasts forever.

Soon thereafter its nothingness.

Void and the abyss are your only friends now. 

Say goodbye to the light, good night…


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