2016, I am so happy that it is starting to wrap up. I wish to forget this year for so many reasons. I spent majority of this year stuck in a thick fog of darkness with which I never had a moment’s thought that I could get out of it. I considered constant sadness and misery to be a normal part of life, which in reality that’s not the case at all.
The first reason I wish to forget is because of how many close friends I have lost in such a short span of time. Many people who I had wished to be my friends turned out to be something that they were not. The flip of a die could reveal one face of my frenemies as another flip could reveal the worst. I was heartbroken to lose such wonderful friends, even though my connections with them weren’t as wonderful. This happened do to a wide variety of reasons. One, I outgrew them. I was heading down another past where as others would either lay dormant or head into a completely different direction, that’s just a part of life. Two, they have betrayed my trust. It takes a lot to upset me, but what really upsets me is when someone makes a promise to be trustworthy only to turn around and question why it is I could trust them. Three, the creation of lists on things I have done wrong. I still fathom why I have met so many people who wish to take the easy way out and to blame their own actions on others. Four, I’ve been turned into a human punching bag. Normal to lose one’s cool when in the moment, but a repetitive nature to hurt others becomes toxic. Five, I allowed them to take advantage of me. My kindness can be a downfall to others who only wish to feed off of you for their own personal game. I still continue to put my love and kindness to others despite that possibly being an open door to abuse. Lastly, they gave up. True friends NEVER give up on one another. No matter how hard things get, true friends stick around through the end. Some of my past friends have been their support for so long only to just stop and give up when it gets too difficult for them. Its like throwing in the towel to something so precious in the world.
My second reason to drop this behind me is because I spent far too much time neglecting my own health. I spent far too much time stressing on the future where it just ruined me in the end. I couldn’t sleep, I either under or over ate, I was constantly sick, missed far too much work and school, going to the doctor made no difference, and I could not relax no matter what I did. The things I used to enjoy no longer seemed to phase me or encourage me to move forward. Now, that is a different story. I am so much happier and healthier now.
Third reason is spending too much time feeling personal anger, guilt, and beating up myself over something I could never control. I always felt as though it was my fault for my family having so many conflicts and conundrums. To me, my presence seemed to only make things so much worse. I have learned otherwise now that I cannot control the actions of others. I let my guilt and anger build up so much to the point whether I questioned if my life was worth living. I no longer feel this way anymore and haven’t for many months now.
Lastly, death’s presence could be felt looming over my shoulders. The deaths of so many famous people and fearing the potential death of some of my loved ones made my blood run cold. I could not shake off the violent nightmares and flashbacks. I still fear these things today, but now I have learned that there is absolutely nothing to fear. The best thing now is cherish every moment of life and love every bit of it, even the bad stuff.
I am ready to let go of the hell that brought me near to death and back this year. I am ready to put the past behind me and to look forward to the new year. The future is truly bright and I know this to be true. Now, I’m opening the door to the unknown and I can’t wait to see what the other side entails.